I Look Forward To....

The start of another week, Monday, a day I thought I would never look forward to. But now in prison, I absolutely adore Monday’s and getting back into a healthy routine after a long, slow weekend. In prison, inmates look forward to the start of another week and a notch on the “sentence” belt. Vice versa, on the outside, people look ahead to the weekends.
In both cases, people want time to pass. For one reason or another, we are always wanting the time to go quickly to get to something in the future. Now rightfully so, an inmate would like time to pass because it brings them closer to their release date. Every Monday counts as another week down. On the outside, we do what we have to do, Monday through Thursday, so we can enjoy our weekends, mostly time off from work. But what are we doing on those days that we want to pass quickly, just to get to a day or event that will also soon pass quickly?
In other words, you will never find time in the present, if you are always looking forward to something in the future. If you want time, you must make it. In prison, I’ve learned to love Mondays, not because it’s another week started toward my release date, but because it’s another chance to better myself starting from anew.
We are always measuring ourselves up to something. I’m using weeks to measure my growth. I wanna be better than I was yesterday and prepared for tomorrow. My brother would always ask me, “What did you do today toward your goals?” When I was in the real world, I wanted Monday through Thursday to fly, just to get to my weekend; only to live out another fast paced weekend and then back to Monday.
Good purposeful work consists of whatever the body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever the body is not obliged to do. What do you look forward to every week?
~~~THANKFUL FOR MY MONDAY’S~~~~~~

Fireworks

My first 4th of July in prison and I haven’t heard one person say “Happy 4th of July.” Holidays in prison are very dull and are no different from any other day, very sad, but it is what you make of it. I had a nice and relaxing morning and my fireworks came in the form of a baby named Roman John. I had a beautiful visit with Anne, Ant, and my nephew Roman. He turns one at the end of this month. Seeing his face light up was better than any exciting or spectacular fireworks display. I am content with seeing the miracle of life on Independence Day, even if I’m locked up. That hour and a half with them, I was as free as a bird. God bless Creation and Happy Independence Day to those locked up. You don’t have to be free to celebrate freedom. Free in spirit and mind.
“Who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry? The Lord gives freedom to the prisoner.” Psalm 146:7
It’s 8:15, just finished church and we are about to have our Last Sunday Supper with Sydney, our tier cook, who is going home this week after 17 years in prison. I pray nothing but the best for this man. Sydney sang beautiful tonight in church, freedom in its purest form.

DON'T WANT TO BE RELIGIOUS

In prison, there are so many religions. I’ve met Catholics, Jehovah Witnesses, Muslims, 7th Day Adventists, Buddhists, Christians, and even Wiccans (Male witches). During casual conversation, religion is a heavy topic. You never want to disrespect somebody’s beliefs, so the content of these discussions are very sensitive. I’ve noticed a lot of people know the in’s and out’s of their religion, mostly the self-acclaimed Christians who can interpret the bible, yet their actions and behavior suggests otherwise. I’ve witnessed inmate’s religion debates almost turn into a “Holy War,” literally, all over the meaning of one word or phrase. In essence, we spend more time interpreting a Bible verse than we do applying it.
In the prison yard on a hot day, you stand out like a sore thumb if you have your shirt on. Because of being tatted up, inmates are always asking me about their meanings. The most common question I get because of my tattoos is, “You’re very religious aren’t you?” In a way, that bothers me.
For one reason because I don’t want my tattoos being the only reason someone would ask me about my religion; and second, because I don’t really like the word religious. It sounds like some sort of system or order as opposed to a true belief. Now a days, everybody is religious. If you attend a service on Sunday you would say, “Sure, I’m religious.” I’m guilty of this myself, I would claim to be religious because of my tattoos, because I grew up in the church, and because I know Bible verses. Today, more than ever, I would say, I’m no longer striving to be religious, but living to be REALigious. We are too “churched.” It’s not about religion, it’s purely relationship. We attend church, we smile and claim to know God, and then we go home and put
God on a shelf until next week. Us inmates attend our services and praise God and then return to our tier to gossip and slander and much, much more. We have become too systematic, soo churchy. At the end of the day, the Lord requires a personal relationship with us, a true connection/love. The manner in which we live should speak louder than “being religious.” God wants a relationship with us—the kind that seeks the Gift Giver and not just the gift. God never wanted our convictions to become systematic or service-like; He wants us to spend time with Him. Paul explained it best, the usefulness of being churchy without relationship and love:
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.” I Cor. 13: 1-3
~~~SET APART BY MY CONVICTIONS NOT MY LABEL AS A CONVICT~~~

Dark Storm

It’s Friday before 4th of July weekend and the only American flag in sight is the patch on the Correction Officer’s uniforms. How ironic to be celebrating Independence “Freedom Day” in prison locked up. It’s nice and cool on the tier and beautiful outside, but they say tomorrow and the upcoming week is gonna be unbearable. The tier will probably turn into a wet sauna.
I received several encouraging letters today from all across the country and it’s amazing to see the support and feedback. One such letter, from a pen pal who has become a friend and someone whom I have begun to admire, wrote me something that made perfect sense and the analogy used was a situation mostly everyone has experienced at one point or another.
They spoke of a sudden onset of a terrible storm. They said, it was so bad that they lost complete power and it sounded as if large rocks were hitting their house due to the thunder and hail. This person sat in the complete dark, all alone, and began to pray for God’s protection in this dark storm. They wrote, “When we are cut off from the world (lights, TV, phone, all electric, etc.) and are amongst darkness, we turn to the true light, the Lord.” They continued, “I found myself ‘being still’ at that moment and thinking how sometimes it takes darkness to open our eyes to the light.”
In a world filled with darkness it will only take one candle to brighten up the room. When troubles hit, remember what is true, and take heart. The indwelling Holy Spirit has the resources to provide what we need, to equip us for the journey, and to sustain us with His presence throughout the dark days. Nothing can stop the purposes of our Lord from being carried out. (In Touch)
“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me, even the night shall be light about me.” Psalm 139:11
~~The Lord sees in the dark as clearly as He does in the light~~~

Is anyone currently going through a DARK storm?

DON'T PANIC

I woke up early this morning with back spasms. I’m not sure if I slept wrong on it or if it is from lifting/running during rec. Regardless I skipped both rec’s today and just relaxed on the tier. I was able to write several letters, and finally start a book on King David called, “A Man of Passion and Destiny: David” by Charles Swindoll. There are so many beautiful truths in the first few chapters. These days, I find myself reading something and then applying it to my situation in prison, only to realize that it always applies to every part of life, confined or not.
Four such words that I had written down several weeks ago from I Samuel 16, “For I have provided,” were reiterated today when I was reading about David. To sum it up, the people chose Saul as King and Saul failed because what man picks without God in mind will not succeed. God had already knew this prior to the people picking Saul, just as he already knew where everyone of us would be today. We tend to try to figure things out on our own, only to find out that “we don’t know.” “For I have provided myself a king,” not I will provide, but past tense, “have provided.”
God already knew who he had in mind to replace Saul and what God provides always comes to fruition. We panic when we don’t know what’s ahead, but God already knows and He provides. Before I was born on April 13th, 1984, God already knew where I would rest my head in July, 2010. He knows perfectly well what is best for us. We always want to know what’s next, that’s not faith. Faith is trusting in God when we do not know what tomorrow brings.
“When a man or woman of God fails, nothing of God fails. When a man or woman of God changes, nothing of God changes. When someone dies, nothing of God dies. “ It was the prophet Isaiah who wrote: “Before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24 (David p.15)
~~~God knows from the beginning and He provides~~~
It isn’t about what we’ve done, success/money/glory, but it’s about what He has provided.
Tomorrow my brother Ant, his wife Anne, and my nephew Roman are coming, YAY!!

Diamond in the Rough

They say that the most beautiful diamonds are found in the deepest, darkest, and dangerous caverns/mines. Prior to being this diamond, the solids are lumps of dirty, dusty, and formless coals, which are found in these mines. They are subject to a lot of time in the earth, and massive amounts of pressure. This pressure is what transforms the impressionable coal into the hardest stones in the world-diamonds. Diamonds absolutely glow and shine with a brilliance unmatched; but this beautiful transformation could not happen without immense pressure. Diamonds must go through this process in order to be displayed later.

Similarly, in prison, there are a lot of potential diamonds. A lot of unpolished, extremely hard individuals with so much to offer society, but they are left untouched and undermined by their environment, leaving them weakened and impaired by the unproductive system. These inmates remain like the coal; lumps of dirty, dusty, and formless solids, which remain "in the world," only to be crushed by its pressures.

Like a diamond, the appropriate amount of pressure must be applied to transform these inmates from being dark and gloomy to polished and refined.
In an environment like this, the pressures are surely enough to weigh you down either mentally, physically or both. In essence, today's prison system is like an unmined cave, leaving the impressionable coals incomplete and unused. You would think that the process begun by the system would want to finish it completely to produce some diamonds. I know that a change has to start within the individual to be transformed, but I also know what I see with my own eyes, and there is no extraction going on that would prompt a change.

I know I'm not going through the process in vain, and I am thankful that I have another pressure/power motivating me. "I will remain confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:6). Like a diamond, it is by grace that I will go through this process to be displayed later. A transformation is possible either from within or from without, if only the "system" would care to mine for some potential diamonds in this cave we call prison.

Applauded but Rejected

Beautiful Monday after a long, hot weekend. It's still as hot as can be. In fact, it is 97 degrees on the tier today. But it's good to get back to a normal routine after a slow-movement weekend. I think the heat slows things down and really makes the surreal feeling you have about being confined a quick reality. The heat on the tier multiplies the level of laziness because all everyone wants to do is lay around. On a productive note, I received a letter back from the State, more specifically--- the "Office of Transitional Services", about our proposed program to help inmates successfully reenter society. Jay and I drafted a letter with a brief outline and synopsis of our program idea. Now keep in mind this program required no State funding. We were simply asking to be recognized in order to get a designated room and time in this institution to meet and develop this program. We knew it was a long shot and that we would have to go through hoops, but we figured the State would jump at any chance to help inmates without use of state funds (especially since we are in a recession). We should have known better based on the programs currently offered. They replied via letter, "We applaud your desire to provide pre-release education to the offender population on the fundamentals of how to get and keep a job. However, the department currently offers two programs, SEALLS and STARS, at each facility. Unfortunately, upon further review of your proposal, it lacks a detailed programmatic design and does not address the use of evidence based curricula."
"Typical" was my only response after reading their entire letter. Now I'm sure the state needs a lot more information then what we provided, but to completely shut the idea down and use the SEALL program as a comparison is just ludicrous. " SEALL" is Successful Employment and Lawful Living and I have already completed the program here. This program does not help inmates reenter society, nor does it provide contacts to get a job. Our program idea wanted to help inmates to actually begin the process of making the transition into the "real world" prior to leaving prison. And rather than requiring inmates to watch a DVD about it, our plan included providing motivated inmates with as many tools and opportunities as possible. Ultimately, we hoped this would equip and empower them to successfully reenter our world. Part of this plan included hooking them up with temporary housing, legitimate job contacts, appropriate clothing and other essentials that a typical inmate would ordinarily be lacking upon release. Our goal was to set everything up ahead of time.



And what does "lacked a detailed programmatic design," actually mean? The people who design the current programs have never even been inside of a prison---yet they cite the use of "evidence-based curricula." Sadly and ironically, these types of programs will continue to remain useless and inmates will continue to be thrown back into society ill-prepared with the odds stacked against them. Upon an inmate's initial release and his attempt to begin to make a lasting change, he will find himself jobless, homeless, and lacking the necessary tools to make it in the real world. Not to mention that the added label of "felon" doesn't lend itself to numerous job opportunities.

Our plan differed in that it was "Self-Imposed." The definition of "Self-Imposed" is "Imposed by oneself on oneself; voluntarily assumed or endured." We had high hopes of helping the system improve and progress from the inside by offering inmates practical opportunities to "help themselves." However, after reading this letter----it seems obvious that the State doesn't share our enthusiasm.

Male leadership this evening was very well done. I needed the message that was brought forth tonight.
~~~By the grace of God, I am what I am~~~

To watch video of Matt Maher Story go to http://www.themattmaherstory.com

Beginning to End

There has been a huge turnover in the prison this past month--especially in my tier. I see a lot of new faces. Either inmates going home, or going to a different unit because of status. Since I have arrived in January, there have been over 40 new faces on my tier. Presently, there are only 20 out of 38 guys who have been in the unit since my beginning here. I can tell from the 6 months I have been here, that the end of a thing is better than the beginning. Most people leave happier and in some you can see a change. Now which direction that change is depends on the person’s willingness to change. I’ve witnessed people become more bitter and negative as the days pass, and without any attempt to change in sight, the end of this thing we call prison is not gonna be better than the beginning. When you are just starting something out, whether it be a business project, a fitness program, or yes even a prison sentence, you would hope that finishing it would be a good feeling; a sense of accomplishment, a change from the beginning. You never wanna be where you were at when you started, and the progression from the onset to the end should be easily noted. The way I am in my freshman year in prison is not the way I wanna be in my senior year here. There should be change in the positive direction and it should be obvious. I heard an interesting explanation about being miserable with your circumstances and it made perfect sense. Coming into an environment like this, the beginning, would initially make you miserable, no doubt in anybody’s mind, but after several months or years shouldn’t that miserable condition wear off/ almost automatically making the end better than the beginning. Unfortunately this isn’t the case because I watch inmates weekly become more resentful and bitter with their situations. It’s only natural to become excited during the end of this thing, but what attitude are you taking with you at the end?
Inmates act as if this is lost time and they will never get it back. That’s exactly right-- when else will someone have a chance to completely reevaluate their lives, to re-prioritize how they were living in the real world? You won’t get this time back, but you won’t get any time back, so why not take advantage of it. I’m convinced that if you come in one way and leave the same way, or worse, SHAME ON YOU!
I truly believe the past is totally forgiven and gone, the present is supplied with power, and the future is bright with hope, how could I be anything but completely happy?
“The end of a thing is better than the beginning” Ecc.7:8

Have you ever waited on something to happen in your life? Please feel free to comment below.

NEWSFLASH

It’s only 7:45 am and already a “piece of prison mentality.” Tier sanitation begins cleaning the tier around 7:30 am after the mass movement. This morning, Jay decided to move all the foot lockers so the area can be swept and mopped properly. Meanwhile, the Sgt. was walking through and spotted a bucket of bleach under one guys bed. No one is allowed to have their own bleach and especially not under their bed. Anyway, the bleach was exposed because his foot-locker was moved. The Sgt. immediately woke the inmate up and reprimanded him. The inmate didn’t say anything until the Sgt. and assigned CO left the tier, and upon them exiting, he flipped out—without his dentures in. He started to say, who the “bleep” moved his footlocker and to never touch it again. There was a lot more vulgarity. Someone else nicely told him that it needed to be cleaned and mopped. He didn’t want to hear this and this is where the “piece of prison mentality” comes out: He announced to everyone in the area not to touch his stuff again and I quote, “I didn’t come to prison to clean and I definitely didn’t come here to work.” Newsflash: You didn’t exactly check into prison by choice!
So I sat there thinking about his statement and viewing his area, where there were dust bunnies the size of baseballs under his trunk and bed. And he still flipped out at others for trying to clean his area. This is the exact attitude that saturates inmates, making it justifiable to lay around and do nothing all day because “they didn’t come to prison to clean--”emphasis on “come.” So what is it that prisoners come to prison to do--- since they don’t come to clean? Just a little piece of prison mentality and the question for everyone—“What did YOU come to prison to do?” HA Time for work.

It was 87 degrees on the tier today and I heard tomorrow is going to be even hotter. I had planned on getting away from the sticky humid tier and going into my classroom which is air conditioned. But when I got upstairs, my teacher wasn’t there, so class was cancelled. I came back to the tier and did some writing and finished Proverbs. I went outside for rec and it was like 93 degrees. I actually listened to wired 96.5 for the first time since December and I couldn’t believe how out of the loop I was to news, music, real-world stuff. But I am caught up with the World Cup. I also did some soccer ball/footwork drills, just staying sharp. No news yet on J.J. , except that he is still in LOCK-UP, which is the worst. I may never see that man again and it goes to show you how fast things can happen in prison. I may never see him again because he will probably be in administration segregation for a while. He was trying so hard to work things out with himself and find God. I’m afraid he has hit a dead end, but the good thing about a dead end street is that it’s a good place to turn around. His freedom will be postponed again, very sad. But I guess God has a lot more work to do with him. He was so eager to learn and grow too, but when he left my unit, he kind of distanced himself from us. I only saw him during rec periods and church. Man, that saddens me. It really makes you not take the time you have with somebody for granted. Time to be a Christ-like example, because in a moment’s time, everything can change. I will pray for this man who I grew to love. He is in God’s hands. Hopefully some news on him soon.

Not what I wanted--Just what I needed

A lot of time in prison is spent talking about what we want in life and what we think we need in life. Most of these wants and needs are based on what will make us happy. As I listen to several inmates talk about "stacking bread" (bread is money) and driving nice cars, it is even more evident that these needs and wants are based on selfish desires.
Sometimes we are confused about the difference between an actual "need" versus a "want." A need is "a necessity or the state of lacking something that is required" as opposed to a want which is to "greatly desire or to wish for something." We want nice cars and big house, but we don't need them. We want the "filet mignon" of foods, but that's not what is needed to survive.
In prison, people don't hesitate to ask you for anything they want, not need, but pure wants. There is absolutely no shame in walking by someone who is eating a candy bar and asking for it. Not just for a piece, but the whole thing. It's like big grown children. This is how we are in life sometimes. We ask for riches and are fired from work. We ask for patience and are tested in traffic. We are too busy trying to figure out why we were not given what we asked for, to realize that what has transpired is we got exactly what we needed.
I received a beautiful letter the other day that really encouraged me. In the letter, was a quote that sums up the difference between our wants and needs in life. I would like to pass the quote along: "Sometimes struggles are what we need in life. If we went through life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we are. I asked for STRENGTH and was given difficulties to make me strong. I asked for WISDOM and was given problems to solve. I asked for COURAGE and I was given obstacles to overcome. I asked for LOVE and I was given people to help. I received nothing I wanted and everything I needed."
~~~I wanted visibility and popularity because of soccer, a selfish ambition, and was given affliction and a drunk driving platform. (humility) Not exactly what I wanted, but everything I needed.~~~~

Monday started off with a bang. Monday's are the days inmates can turn in their sheets and pillow cases for new ones, so mostly everyone on the tier, (well not everyone), turns in their sheets for clean ones.
This particular Monday, Jay and I started our routine morning devotions at the table in front of the tier and were asked to move by the inmate who counts the sheets. Now mind you, all that is required to count the sheets is a piece of paper and pencil. Inmates come by and dump their used sheets in a trash can while the counter marks off how many sheets. Apparently he needed the entire table to sit there and put slashes next to inmates bed numbers. OK, no problem, every other Monday we oblige and move to the middle of the tier to finish our devotions, prayers, and writing. But, this morning, that table was in use, so we had to go to the very back of the tier to do our business. Now here's where the BANG begins. The back of the tier and the front of the tier are like night and day.
In the back of the tier, the warm air is filled with smoke. Any attempt to blow the smoke out of the non-smoking tier ricochets off of the metal screen back into the area causing it to linger. In the front of the tier, even when it's humid, the giant fan keeps the air circulated, though warm, its breathable.
In the back, because of the combination of the smoking, and the TV, and the "habitual" hang out, talking recklessly regardless of the time, and the practice of going so far as picking up other people's "butts" off the ground for a hit. OK, regardless of all of this, I just so happened to be reading Proverbs and I started to think about my environment and what is being accomplished here. The scene in the back goes on all day and most of the night, rehabilitation and corrections at its finest.
So the scene in the back got me really contemplating the purpose of discipline and is the "system" accomplishing its purpose? I'd have to say NO based on observation and then I realized the same goes for when God corrects us. If we do not receive correction openly and cherish it, we are not gaining anything from it. I believe the "system" corrects because it cares for society, but inmates despise this method deeming it ineffective. This is similar to the Lord's purpose for punishment. The discipline of the Lord is the other side of His grace. "My son do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; for whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights."
We should hold tender this correction and the Lord's correction, for they are one in the same in purpose, both disciplining because of a form of love. So before the second-hand smoke and the volume of the TV damage my organs, I said, "Thank you Jesus for my correction" and returned to the front of the tier to report to work. Happy Monday!
~~GOD DISCIPLINES THOSE HE LOVES~~~`

DADDY'S DAY

Ryan and Fila visited me this morning, and it was great to see them and catch up. The visit hall was not as packed as I thought it would be, being that it’s Father’s Day. It was sad to see some of the fathers (inmates or not) after the visit was terminated.
Once we are told to leave the visit hall, we are placed in movement control where we are stripped searched. It is in this room where you see a lot of the inmates break down and shed a tear. Today, more than ever, being a father in prison has to be a tough day. What’s even sadder than the father’s in the visiting hall, are the fathers on the tier who have no one visiting them. My heart breaks for them, regardless of their family situations, because I know deep down, they are hurting being in a place like this away from their kids/family; more than ever on a day where being a father is celebrated, many fathers feel like failures.
I have no idea the exact feelings because I am not a father, but I can imagine that many feel helpless and lacking because of their confinement. Heck, those are feelings of every inmate father or not.
Also, I cannot help but to wonder what my own father feels like on a day like today? I know he would have never fathomed a father’s day without one of his sons, but that happened in June, 2006 when my oldest brother died. And now that I think of it, my brother John never even got to experience his first Father’s Day since he died when his daughter Alivia was only four months.
To think that he would have to go through another Father’s Day with one son in the grave and one in prison is mind boggling. Should he feel like a failure? I say absolutely not and anyone who knows even one ounce of my father would say NO too, but there are many who would consider someone a failure whose one child passed and another was in prison.
My response to them is that my father’s example in raising his children was such a success, it helped me in MY FAILURE. His success of being steadfast for the Lord has been the best most consistent example of how to respond when falling short. I honestly believe that it is only because of my father’s faith and pure integrity that I see all my blessings from the Lord. I’m thankful daily for the way I was raised and wouldn’t have it any other way.
My father put into action and personified the way God loves all of His children—unconditionally. I cannot express properly in words my utmost gratitude I have for my daddy—who Did All Deeds Deliberately Yoked to his children and God.
HAPPY DADDY’S DAY POPS!
I cannot close my thoughts without saying that my heart goes out to the family of Hort Kap on this day, as they are probably missing their father and friend. May I extend a heartfelt apology to my victim’s family, as well as every other victim’s family affected by crime and prisoners.
“The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him.

To catch up on blogs go to http://www.themattmaherstory.com. He has been writing since January.

Matt gets some bad news in prison today. What happened at http://ping.fm/3CLv9

Blame Game

Another hot, sticky day on the tier. Very relaxing Saturday though and I was able to finish the beautiful book of Psalms. King David’s level of praise was completely out of this world. I often wonder if we can ever live up to that kind of faith. I highlighted so many passages to review later. One that really hit me was Psalm 118:8: “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put your confidence in man.” This is something that is done so often in prison, placing one’s confidence in man, lawyers, judges, para-legals, other inmates, gangs… The list is endless, but a reality.
Many eat themselves up worrying about what their lawyer can do for them or who can help get them out of this place. So we find ourselves placing all of our trust in man, continuing to stress over it, and then in the end, being let down anyway, causing our stress to turn into heartache and sometimes depression.
I know that relying on other people is a part of living and I’m guilty of doing so myself. But the moment I placed my ultimate trust in the Lord, I quickly learned that God will not let me down. The five and a half years I was sentenced to was not given to me by the judge, and wasn’t because of my lawyer. Now I was confident with my lawyer, but even I made it clear to him at the onset, that my trust was in the Lord and that nothing that would happen from Sentencing Day on would be outside God’s good and perfect will.
In prison, people blame their lawyers or others for them being here. And after they find they have been let down, they only place their trust in themselves. In an environment like this, they eventually find out that they will let themselves down, and when you realize you can’t even be confident in yourself, what do you do? Many turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. and some even try to take other people’s confidence, attempting to make themselves feel better. In the end of this vicious cycle, individuals still find a void. This emptiness can only be filled by placing complete trust in the Lord. Easier said than done? I don’t think so, try it. After all, the Lord is on my side, what can man do to me? Tomorrow Ryan and Fila are visiting and it’s also Father’s Day.
Blessed to have a father of integrity who loves the Lord.

Can you trust yourself when things get tough? Latest blog available at http://ping.fm/84fL2

Inside Out

“For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Sam. 16:7
It is typical for us as humans to judge things based on what it looks like from the outside. We are so quick to make our opinions just by looks and this is something that is done so often in a prison environment. I’ve quickly learned that many inmates with a rough and tough exterior are soft as cotton on the inside and vice versa. Several inmates come off put together and presentable, yet they are a miserable wreck on the inside. Just like the old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” we shouldn’t evaluate anything or anyone based on their exterior. A book with a dingy cover doesn’t mean that it’s not filled with beautiful truths. The same goes for an extremely attractive person, that doesn’t mean they are not hurting internally. Personally, it takes a lot for me to show my emotions, so it’s hard for family/ friends to view me. If I’m hurting deep down inside, and I don’t make it known, I am only confining myself emotionally. Sometimes it’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve. And sometimes the change needs to be done inside yourself first, before you can help others. The truth of the matter is that if we flipped a lot of things inside out, we would truly see the pain and suffering going on inside. Once you realize the change needs to start from within, you will begin to lift the emotional confinement.
We tend to bottle up a lot of issues causing them to consume our thoughts and actions. I believe it is best when people can see our insides out, cause then we honestly know what we are dealing with. An attractive exterior is dangerous because when people around you think things are good, the problem will never be cured.
As I entered into my incarceration, I had always envisioned that prison had come a long way, and that in the 21st century, there would be more productivity for inmates than ever before. I had thought based on the outward appearance that the prison system worked somewhat. I learned very quickly that looks can be deceiving and it was from that moment on that I knew that to make any changes, the inside of this place needed to be out. I can confidently say, that no matter your situation or circumstances, change must begin from within. Unfortunately, those in charge of this place, and at the highest level will never see this place inside out. They will continue to judge the system based on the outward appearance and believe that it’s effective. I guess it’s no different than when we view others and give them value by their exterior looks. In both cases, we need to get past the outward and look at the inward.
~~~ WE NEED TO LOOK FROM THE INSIDE OUT~~~
An inmate said to me tonight randomly, “I’d rather live my life like there’s a God and find out there’s not when I die, then to live my life like there is no God and when I die find out there is.”
More on that tomorrow… Good Night.

Matt's says Goodbye to a Friend

It’s 7 am sharp and I just got back from morning mess excited, yet I am feeling nervous for another inmate named Nafi, who is being released today after serving 7 ½ years in prison. I have become close to this guy over the past few months, because Jay and I reached out to him in an attempt to give him some hope-- in a system with no hope for its inmates. The Department of Corrections (DOC) doesn’t have any programs that would help inmates, who qualify, to retrieve work, housing, etc. upon release until they get on their feet. Nafi told us that he has no family, and when he leaves he has no job, and nowhere to go. This is a common story among released prisoners. With all of that being known, we decided to implement our plan for “Self-imposed Assistance” to Nafi. We made the necessary contacts to secure Nafi a job on the outside, and made arrangements for temporary housing. Nafi will begin work on Monday. I’m only slightly nervous because Nafi is nervous. And you know what? I don’t blame him. I said some extra prayers for this man this morning and I know his life is in God’s hands. I did not write all of this down to get a pat on my back nor to feel better about myself. I have joy in my heart for Nafi and I want to see him succeed. I wrote this down to show you a piece of this system that goes unseen. A story about an inmate who served almost twenty five percent of his life in prison and has nothing to show for it. Granted prison is punishment and I understand that, but how is a person supposed to get up from under affliction and not re-offend when they are given zero instruction on how to integrate into society? This type of situation is going on all across the country and society expects convicted felons to get their lives straight, but then turn their back on them when they need support the most. Of course there are many people, who when released, make it. But those are the ones with outside support from family. I’m talking about those inmates who have none of that and all they have for themselves upon release is time served. These days, it is hard enough. I have friends who can’t find a job because of the economy, and they have college degrees which are valued in the real world.
I can’t imagine walking out these doors with no family support, no job, and no housing. But here are your walking papers. And that’s rehabilitation—sad system, sad commentary.
So it’s now 7:45 am and I assume Nafi is getting ready to leave Mid State. Instead of leaving with just time served, he is leaving with a chance, and a new opportunity. Just trying to be systematically productive in an unproductive system. I pray Nafi makes it.
To learn more about Matt's story go to http://www.themattmaherstory.com

"Negativity Family"

So here’s a piece of prison mentality for you: A lot of inmates are repeat offenders and several of them have been to this institution two sometimes, maybe three times before. A new guy came into our unit today and hearing him talk about being here in 2006 sparked some thoughts. Anywhere you go in the prison, you can be sure to hear somebody constantly complaining about something or someone and a majority of the dissatisfaction or resentment is about the prison life. Now, I can see how first time offenders, experiencing prison for the first time, can complain because it’s an experience that brings you outside of your comfort zone and takes a while to get used to. (Some never get used to it!). Now, here’s the catch, a lot of repeat offenders know the “ins” and “outs” of prison life; they know exactly what to expect. They know the feelings that are aroused because of being incarcerated, yet these are the inmates who I constantly hear complaining about prison.
Personally, if I don’t like something or someone, I have a choice not to be around that something or someone. That is an easy choice to make. Making a decision that causes you to come back to a place that you know you have ill-will towards is like going to a restaurant, not liking spinach, and continuing to order spinach—like the experience is going to be any different than the first time. Regardless, complaining gets you nowhere and is related to the Negativity Family. In prison, these two will make you bitter. A bitter man is a defeated man.
“Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world…” Phil. 2: 14-15

"Fatigued"

I have been completely exhausted all day today for some reason. For the first time in a long time, I laid down after work and honestly didn’t feel like getting up. I was just completely drained and I actually slept really well last night. I don’t get it? I don’t like feeling that way because I also think I should be doing something productive all the time. But today I felt physically exhausted and my body wasn’t up for it. It’s so hard to want to do something when your body won’t cooperate. My mind wants to be productive, yet my eyes are tired and my body is unwilling. At times, I feel like it’s not OK to lay down to rest, but if I don’t want to continue to drag, I really must. My Mom asked me at my visit, “Don’t the days drag because you are up so early and at it all day?” She continued, “I figured you would sleep til 9am or 10am to shorten your day.” I understood her logic and would have agreed 100% before experiencing prison life, but I told her when I’m up in the morning at 5/5:30 am, the day flies by because I’m constantly doing something and I’m usually thinking about a purpose when I’m doing whatever I’m doing. But then there are those times when I’m completely exhausted and I don’t feel like doing anything: that’s when the “purpose conflict” begins.
I’m awake now and energized, but because I didn’t read, write, or workout earlier, I feel like I wasted the day. And on top of that, several inmates were continually asking me if I was alright. They said I wasn’t “being my normal self,” but it was solely because I was fatigued physically. It bothers me when people think I’m not being myself. I’m affecting other people because they notice my tired mood and equate it with being down. I don’t like being in “idle mode”----meaning moving lazily about without purpose. I realize the physical body needs rest, but idleness gives the devil an advantage over our emotions. Being physically fatigued, out of my norm, affected those around me---which in turn affected me----causing me to be emotionally fatigued and prone to negative thoughts. Idleness makes you more susceptible to negative thoughts. And when thoughts become feelings, those feelings are likely to turn into actions. I believe my idleness affected me---- and others -----and I’m certain there is no purpose in that.
I continue to evaluate each day ---always considering each new opportunity as a chance to learn “something about something.”
````NO MORE PURPOSE CONFLICT`````````

To catch up on blogs go to http://www.themattmaherstory.com.

Dont want to be Addicted to the Afflicted

Just got done a beautiful visit with my parents. They filled me in on a lot of stuff at home, and I filled them in on a lot of stuff in here. I was relieved to hear that my Aunt Dee is doing alright after having a heart attack. Makes you really think about how fast life can change, and on top of that, she is one of the fittest women I know in her age range. I bet you that brought out a lot of family and friends from the woodwork. How come when something bad happens, people all show up? But when things are normal, you never see any of those people. I remember before my mother’s mom passed away, hardly any of the family wanted to come and see her. I saw this first-hand because my grandparents live behind my parent’s house. Once she passed away on January 6, 2009, everyone came by. What is it in tragedy that brings out all the company you may have wanted before something went wrong? And how is it we suddenly have the time to come over when we were too busy before? I know life can be busy, but if you didn’t care or show concern for someone when life was normal, going well, or even status quo, why would we turn up suddenly when things are bad? I saw this when my brother John died. He was lonely and no one ever bothered to come visit him.
My Aunt Dee is a godly woman, after she was stable from her heart attack, (thank the Lord), she asked my parents to tell me, “She’s thinking of me.” Are you kidding me? This woman just had a major heart attack and she was thinking of me. That’s true care, pure concern. She is like that always—possesses a kind, compassionate heart. Sometimes it’s too late to show your care/concern. Don’t let it get to that, don’t let tragedy be the impetus to bring out your true care and emotions. I know there are a numerous amount of people who really care and that come out of nowhere in bad times to express their sympathy, and trust me, their condolences are heartfelt and sincere. Now I’m no saint and I never claimed to always be around for my friends and family, but I never want to be addicted to the afflicted--meaning just showing up to be a part of someone’s pain or suffering.
I love each and every one of my family members and friends with all that I am, and I know I don’t see a lot of them because of their busyness, and obviously because I am in prison. But don’t let tragedy strike before you show someone your true care and appreciation for them. If you’re not happy for them when things are good, don’t show up when things are bad.

"Bittersweet"

Late night on the tier. I was up at 5:00 am this morning working out and doing my morning devotionals. After breakfast, we decided to clean the entire tier. Now this is supposed to be tier sanitation’s job every morning, but some of these guys literally sweep for two seconds, just redistributing the dirt and then mopping over the dirty floor. It’s pretty nasty, but I keep my own area clean and OCD neat. The guys laugh at me because I’m constantly lining my shoes up perfectly under my bed.
Here’s a piece of prison mentality: So Jay and I decided to start from the back of the tier and work our way up, moving beds and lockers to sweep and mop thoroughly. We were sweeping and mopping two beds at a time, until the entire tier was cleaned. By the end, I was soaking wet in sweat from sweeping so hard. Some of the other inmates joined in and helped, but a majority just sat there and watched. Some didn’t even get up out of bed, as we moved their beds with them in it. I couldn’t and never will understand the laziness in some people. We live on this tier for no lie—16 to 17 hours a day, and some never leave, yet not many care to tidy their area and would rather live in filth. And some were even looking at us in disgust because we were blocking the walkway when we moved the lockers, and they couldn’t walk in a straight line to the TV or bathroom. They could have easily maneuvered around them, but didn’t relish the intrusion. Unbelievable!
I watched the World Cup the rest of the day and then had a 3 v 3 basketball tournament at night rec. It was a very dysfunctional tournament because it was reffed by other inmates. It was complete chaos! The entire game was little old white me running point guard, and the intensity increased as there was four seconds left in a57-56 game, with my team having possession of the ball. Well, I threw the ball up for the game winner and nailed it. I’m not sure what felt better, hitting the buzzer beater tonight for the win in prison, or hitting the buzzer beater in high school in the playoffs against Sterling. Prison or high school? I honestly don’t know because the game obviously meant more in high school, but the “hating” trash talking among the other inmates is outrageous, making this one bitter sweet. People honestly went nuts and the other team almost started a riot. Complete chaos ruled the moment.

"In the Box"

The World Cup in South Africa started today and I already watched the opening game, Mexico vs.S. Africa tied 1-1. The next game, which I have the majority of the tier watching is at 2:30 pm. One month of World Cup Soccer and I love it. I’m picking England to take the Cup.
I had early rec this morning and I almost came “out of my box.” I emphasize “almost” because I caught myself before things got too deep, but I believe I did what I had to do. I get upset with myself when I come out of character, but I can’t forget where I’m at, this is prison and sometimes people need to see that you’re not timid. I can’t really go into too much details about what happened, but let’s just say I don’t take threats too well and I had to call this fellow inmates bluff, well that’s what it turned out to be and just like in poker, I had to call him out on it.
Before I lose you, I guess I should explain “out of the box” or just “the box” in general. “The box” was created by a fellow inmate who told me no matter what comes my way in prison to stay even keel, stay in character, remain “in the box.” He said that when we remain “in the box,” your prison time will be smooth. He also went on to explain that every time we come “out of the box,” the box gets a little damaged each time, even if we get back in, the more we come out, the more wear and tear will display, eventually making “the box” useless. He told me to stay in my box and keep it sealed. I could not help but to really think about this metaphor and how accurate it was. In prison, in life, no matter where we are, we need to remain “in our box.” I’m attempting to keep “my box” in tact, it’s extremely challenging in this environment, but it’s the only way to remain in character. It’s not the conflicts that confront us in life that matter, but it’s how we respond to those conflicts. After the little episode in the yard, I prayed and asked God to give me the discipline to “stay in the box” and you know what? He knew exactly what I meant.

Going through trying times?

No work today at Mid State Universiety, so I did some mass letter writing and I finished the book “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell. It was a very thought- provoking book, and I learned a lot about conscious and unconscious decision making. Now I’m into Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point.” Nothing besides rec and AA today. In AA tonight, the guest speaker gave us his testimony and it was telling. I applaud anyone who can overcome an addiction and I have nothing but respect for those who do so and share their experience. The only point tonight in his testimony that I disagree with is “the power” that he said he relied on. However he conquered his addiction, he did it, but he stated that “whatever power” works for you and allows you to stay positive and conquer, use that power, whether it’s a flagpole or whatever religion allows you to prevail from within. He then went on to say that he used the power from within him to overcome alcohol. The victory is that he did it, but I call that power he used, first name “WILL”, last name “POWER.” Willpower is the strength to carry out ONE’s decisions, wishes, or plans. The decision is made by self and when we rely on self we are destined to fail. I’m not saying that anyone who uses willpower to conquer their demons will eventually relapse because willpower can take you a long way, but when adversity strikes again, relying on self will always let us down.
A flag pole is not going to sustain men nor is a statue or a prophet. A power from within will eventually burn out. This is my understanding, and I firmly believe that when we cast our burdens on the Lord, He is the only one that WILL sustain us. (Psalm 55:22)
~~~~~~~The Lord is the One Constant in life other than time~~~~~~~~~
No power other than God’s power will hold us; not self-power and definitely not this guy named “WILL POWER.”

Why do bad things happen in life?

Monday thus far. Started off with the 5:30 am jumpstart on the day and I am into Job in “Bible in One Year.” I’m also halfway through Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink” already very interesting book based on decisions.

As I was reading through Job, one passage really struck me for several reasons. One, being I’m in prison, and prison equates to adversity. Two, the tattoo on my arm that says “Always Thankful” with two angels: one crying and one praising. And the third reason is the most obvious, our society only accepts the good from God and shuns the afflictions.

In Job 2:10, Job responds to his wife’s words, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But Job said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speak. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this, Job did not sin with his lips.

So many times in life we take Job’s wife’s stance. We believe that we should only be thankful for the good in our life, and when tragedy strikes, our thankful and faithful attitude goes right out the window. We then begin to gripe and ask God why? Nobody said life was gonna be easy or that we should be able to figure out why bad things happen. But, it is the person with true faith whose integrity stands strong, trusting in God in prosperity and in adversity.

I’ve made my bed and I’ve been laying in it. I accept this adversity they call prison and I am completely thankful for it. I take full responsibility for what I’ve done and have learned to be content in all circumstances, free or imprisoned, because I am assured that God will accomplish His good out of temporary difficulties. Job never knew the true reason he was being tested. God allowed Satan to do so to prove his point. Yet Job was steadfast in his faith, he held fast to his integrity.

How will you answer the Job’s wives of the world?

"Be Still"

I slept in today til 7:30 am, yep--- I said slept in. I would have never imagined in a million years that sleeping in to me now would be waking up at 8 am. I used to think sleeping in was not waking up before noon. But I was wide awake at 7:30 am and felt as if I missed the entire day. My parents came to visit this afternoon, and it was great to see them and talk in person. The hour and half goes fast though, but the visit hall is air-conditioned compared to the sauna like tier. So that made it even more relaxing.
I didn’t do anything after the visit up until church except eat dinner. Kind of a weird slow day and I think it’s because my day was filled with “nothingness” (not even sure if that’s a word?) Actually, I just looked it up and it is a word. It means nonexistent; empty space; a void. That sounds about right. Apart from the morning TV worship services and the night service, my day was filled with nothingness. I did not read any of my books, and I did not do any writing. Although, the physical activity of my day was void, it wasn’t completely lacking because I spent a lot of time in my thoughts. I’ve come to the conclusion, that time doesn’t mean much of anything to me anymore, but change does. I still respect time obviously, and am moving forward with it, but my transformation is my measuring stick. I am constantly reminding myself to “Be Still” until the change is complete. Then I realize that change will never be complete because it is an ongoing process. I want to be closer to God than I was yesterday and a better person overall, but I continue to stumble. I continue to fail, but I’m determined to keep going. I’m determined to not be conformed to this place, this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. (Roman 12:2 paraphrased)
I guess a day of physical nothingness isn’t so bad after all. I’m just so used to being active and productive, so I felt using my mind, without any physical action, was empty. But in fact, I was full. I’m gonna continue to attempt to prove what is that good and acceptable will of God in all that I do.
~~~DEDICATION OF MIND AND HEART~~~

To catch up on all of Matt's Blogs go to http://www.themattmaherstory.com

An unusual day on the Tier for Matt. Find out whats going on at http://ping.fm/1Rcx0

That Guy's Mom

"That Guy's Mom", Andrea Maher, was offered the opportunity to host a weekly radio talk show for Fresh Start Fellowship: a ministry devoted to offering hope and encouragement to women and children left behind when those they love go to prison.

Andrea refers back to her years as a young mom and discusses her somewhat idealistic expectation for the future of her children. She talks about the devastation she experienced upon receiving the news of Matthew's fatal drunk driving accident and how she was able to press on in the midst of adversity.

Read more @

http://freshstartbroadcasting.com/2010/06/that-guys-mom-6-25-2010/