Jerusalem's Wall

I have to clean up what I messed up, an impossible deed by the world’s standards.--and mine. But nothing is impossible by the Lord’s standards. By Him, I am forgiven; by the world I am forbidden. I look around at this prison, but not just this prison, every prison across the world, and I see an environment full of people who made bad decisions. Some big and some small, but all performed an error resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. I often wonder about the shock and shame that I caused my family and friends; and even more, the shock and pain I caused to another household. So I’m trying to amend an unfixable mistake. The world says “give up,” the Lord says “give it to me.” The world says “cease,” the Lord gives His peace.

Why listen to the mockers? Why heed their voices...when you can, with the same ear, listen to the voice of God? (p. 107 Facing Your Giants, Lucado)

In 444 BC, a man named Nehemiah went back into Jerusalem to rebuild the walls for the city’s physical protection, but mainly to establish God’s purpose there. Nehemiah’s opponents were grieved at his efforts. His critics laughed and told him to stop, accusing him of false motives. But Nehemiah refused to listen to them. He said to them, “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?” (Nehemiah 6:3) Nehemiah would not get sidetracked; his enemies wanted to weaken him, but he asked the Lord to strengthen him. In 443 BC, “So the wall was finished...” (Neh 6:15). God’s purpose was accomplished and His name glorified.

My mistake, Jerusalem’s wall. I have to clean up what I messed up, an impossible deed by the world’s standards...but why should the work cease?

Trying something different

I thought I would do things a bit differently today. I wanted to write down my thoughts as the day goes on. Its 5:45 am, only two other inmates are up on the tier besides me. One is in the bathroom shaving, while the other is drawing. The one drawing appears to have never gone to sleep. Lights will shoot on in ten minutes, which will awaken only a few more. Around 6:10 am, the CO’s loud demand to “count up” will act as a free man’s alarm clock, unfortunately without the snooze button. But back to the current time, it is 5:53 am, I have already did a core workout, prayed, and read “STREAMS in the Desert” devotional, into Zachariah in the bible, then Purpose Driven Life all before 6:30 am mess call. Thankful this morning, “That I may cause NO MORE PAIN.” (Prayer of Jabez)
There is never a majestic mountain without a deep valley, and there is never a birth without pain. (Daniel Crawford, Streams p. 316) It’s 6:16 am, count up came and went. Already a piece of prison mentality. I began to read the Bible before count and continued after count, until a fellow inmate decides to sit down to interrupt me with questions about when Jay is getting back. He then went into his life story, without me saying a single word. He was harmless in his one sided conversation, but had zero discretion. Oh well. Many more are up and in and out of the bathroom. It is 6:30 am, COUNT IS CLEAR., (that means all inmates are present). Now it’s 8:10 am, I did some letter writing after mess, and now I’m waiting on education call. I was gonna go outside for morning rec, but it’s raining. So I’m off to work as a TA instead. It’s 11:30 am now. I thought I would be able to sit down earlier to write, but one thing led to another. Work was boring, but I was able to help someone take an online test and then jotted some ideas about the topic, “Time Served is Not Time Lost.” Came down to my tier and got a haircut, showered, then called home and talked to “Mia Mamma”! Lunch mess is being called and is the exact scene as the the 6:30 am mess call, where many are asleep, some stir, and the others are rushing out to the locked gate; just more controlled chaos and noise. Gonna read Max Lucado’s, “Facing the Giants” because I finished his “It’s Not About Me,” then back to work at 12:30 pm. Its 1:20 now and I’m back on the unit. I got called down from work to get legal mail. Those down moments that I talked about a few days ago, well legal mail always brings them out because it is always negative, but I chose to pray about it and release that which I have no control over. I refuse to let negativity into my life—so the moment is long gone. It’s all about weathering the moments as opposed to letting the storm brew for the day.
Its 4:20 pm now and just been reading/writing these past few hours. It’s dinner movement and the tier is fully functional. Well functional means two card games are going, the TV is blasting, and some are conversing, but not so casually. After mess, we have 5:30 pm rec and I’m gonna go get some “sets” in. Depending on the night and weather, the yard is chaos. I usually just keep it moving and no more competition for me. “Keep it moving” means to be socially active with every group. That’s how I get to know everyone. My personality has been like that my entire life. Relax time now. Its 8:20 pm on the tier, rec was good. Now I am just observing the different activities on the unit. A fellow inmate grumbles to another, “This is such a waste of time isn’t it?” I think, “No, you’re wasting our time.” But many are just wasting time, no purpose, no substance, no productivity. It’s 11pm, I am up later than usual. Lights are out, TV is off, chaos still resumes, but the peace of God overrides their environment.
~~CONFINED YET SET FREE~~~

Tested

Just one of those days. It was dreary outside, but cool, which helped the atmosphere on the tier. I went to morning rec and did soccer drills by myself on the basketball pavement. I usually only get about ten minutes in before someone comes over to talk about soccer. Today a new guy from Honduras came over to talk to me. He called me the soccer pro. He asked, “Why don’t you play with everyone at night rec?” “ Rumor has it that you’re no good and that’s why you don’t play.” I was taken back and shocked at his brutal honesty. A part of me, actually a majority of me, wanted to play everyone right then and there to prove myself. But that was just my pride creeping its way back in. I finished the conversation with him cordially, and we talked about teams we like. When I came back inside, one of my fellow tier mates told me some guys in the yard were talking about me, because I was doing soccer footwork. He said they were saying, “He thinks he’s too good and that’s why he doesn’t play with everyone.” (I swear this is the devil tempting and trying me, but the devil is a liar). I actually just laughed because when things are going well, and my thoughts are positive, turmoil tries to ruin my peace. The “old me” would have to prove everyone wrong, but the” new me” now realizes that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I can’t care what people say or think. The only one I need to impress through my actions is Jesus Christ. I NOW understand the importance of conducting myself honorably-- no matter what comes my way-- so that those who may speak evil about me, regardless of what they may say or think, can only observe my good works. It doesn’t matter who people say I am , it’s who God says I am. I am who I am by the grace of God.( I Peter 2:11)

Inside Out

“For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Sam. 16:7
It is typical for us as humans to judge things based on what it looks like from the outside. We are so quick to make our opinions just by looks and this is something that is done so often in a prison environment. I’ve quickly learned that many inmates with a rough and tough exterior are soft as cotton on the inside and vice versa. Several inmates come off put together and presentable, yet they are a miserable wreck on the inside. Just like the old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” we shouldn’t evaluate anything or anyone based on their exterior. A book with a dingy cover doesn’t mean that it’s not filled with beautiful truths. The same goes for an extremely attractive person, that doesn’t mean they are not hurting internally. Personally, it takes a lot for me to show my emotions, so it’s hard for family/ friends to view me. If I’m hurting deep down inside, and I don’t make it known, I am only confining myself emotionally. Sometimes it’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve. And sometimes the change needs to be done inside yourself first, before you can help others. The truth of the matter is that if we flipped a lot of things inside out, we would truly see the pain and suffering going on inside. Once you realize the change needs to start from within, you will begin to lift the emotional confinement.
We tend to bottle up a lot of issues causing them to consume our thoughts and actions. I believe it is best when people can see our insides out, cause then we honestly know what we are dealing with. An attractive exterior is dangerous because when people around you think things are good, the problem will never be cured.
As I entered into my incarceration, I had always envisioned that prison had come a long way, and that in the 21st century, there would be more productivity for inmates than ever before. I had thought based on the outward appearance that the prison system worked somewhat. I learned very quickly that looks can be deceiving and it was from that moment on that I knew that to make any changes, the inside of this place needed to be out. I can confidently say, that no matter your situation or circumstances, change must begin from within. Unfortunately, those in charge of this place, and at the highest level will never see this place inside out. They will continue to judge the system based on the outward appearance and believe that it’s effective. I guess it’s no different than when we view others and give them value by their exterior looks. In both cases, we need to get past the outward and look at the inward.
~~~ WE NEED TO LOOK FROM THE INSIDE OUT~~~
An inmate said to me tonight randomly, “I’d rather live my life like there’s a God and find out there’s not when I die, then to live my life like there is no God and when I die find out there is.”
More on that tomorrow… Good Night.

Why do bad things happen in life?

Monday thus far. Started off with the 5:30 am jumpstart on the day and I am into Job in “Bible in One Year.” I’m also halfway through Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink” already very interesting book based on decisions.

As I was reading through Job, one passage really struck me for several reasons. One, being I’m in prison, and prison equates to adversity. Two, the tattoo on my arm that says “Always Thankful” with two angels: one crying and one praising. And the third reason is the most obvious, our society only accepts the good from God and shuns the afflictions.

In Job 2:10, Job responds to his wife’s words, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But Job said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speak. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this, Job did not sin with his lips.

So many times in life we take Job’s wife’s stance. We believe that we should only be thankful for the good in our life, and when tragedy strikes, our thankful and faithful attitude goes right out the window. We then begin to gripe and ask God why? Nobody said life was gonna be easy or that we should be able to figure out why bad things happen. But, it is the person with true faith whose integrity stands strong, trusting in God in prosperity and in adversity.

I’ve made my bed and I’ve been laying in it. I accept this adversity they call prison and I am completely thankful for it. I take full responsibility for what I’ve done and have learned to be content in all circumstances, free or imprisoned, because I am assured that God will accomplish His good out of temporary difficulties. Job never knew the true reason he was being tested. God allowed Satan to do so to prove his point. Yet Job was steadfast in his faith, he held fast to his integrity.

How will you answer the Job’s wives of the world?

"Be Still"

I slept in today til 7:30 am, yep--- I said slept in. I would have never imagined in a million years that sleeping in to me now would be waking up at 8 am. I used to think sleeping in was not waking up before noon. But I was wide awake at 7:30 am and felt as if I missed the entire day. My parents came to visit this afternoon, and it was great to see them and talk in person. The hour and half goes fast though, but the visit hall is air-conditioned compared to the sauna like tier. So that made it even more relaxing.
I didn’t do anything after the visit up until church except eat dinner. Kind of a weird slow day and I think it’s because my day was filled with “nothingness” (not even sure if that’s a word?) Actually, I just looked it up and it is a word. It means nonexistent; empty space; a void. That sounds about right. Apart from the morning TV worship services and the night service, my day was filled with nothingness. I did not read any of my books, and I did not do any writing. Although, the physical activity of my day was void, it wasn’t completely lacking because I spent a lot of time in my thoughts. I’ve come to the conclusion, that time doesn’t mean much of anything to me anymore, but change does. I still respect time obviously, and am moving forward with it, but my transformation is my measuring stick. I am constantly reminding myself to “Be Still” until the change is complete. Then I realize that change will never be complete because it is an ongoing process. I want to be closer to God than I was yesterday and a better person overall, but I continue to stumble. I continue to fail, but I’m determined to keep going. I’m determined to not be conformed to this place, this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. (Roman 12:2 paraphrased)
I guess a day of physical nothingness isn’t so bad after all. I’m just so used to being active and productive, so I felt using my mind, without any physical action, was empty. But in fact, I was full. I’m gonna continue to attempt to prove what is that good and acceptable will of God in all that I do.
~~~DEDICATION OF MIND AND HEART~~~

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