"Fatigued"

I have been completely exhausted all day today for some reason. For the first time in a long time, I laid down after work and honestly didn’t feel like getting up. I was just completely drained and I actually slept really well last night. I don’t get it? I don’t like feeling that way because I also think I should be doing something productive all the time. But today I felt physically exhausted and my body wasn’t up for it. It’s so hard to want to do something when your body won’t cooperate. My mind wants to be productive, yet my eyes are tired and my body is unwilling. At times, I feel like it’s not OK to lay down to rest, but if I don’t want to continue to drag, I really must. My Mom asked me at my visit, “Don’t the days drag because you are up so early and at it all day?” She continued, “I figured you would sleep til 9am or 10am to shorten your day.” I understood her logic and would have agreed 100% before experiencing prison life, but I told her when I’m up in the morning at 5/5:30 am, the day flies by because I’m constantly doing something and I’m usually thinking about a purpose when I’m doing whatever I’m doing. But then there are those times when I’m completely exhausted and I don’t feel like doing anything: that’s when the “purpose conflict” begins.
I’m awake now and energized, but because I didn’t read, write, or workout earlier, I feel like I wasted the day. And on top of that, several inmates were continually asking me if I was alright. They said I wasn’t “being my normal self,” but it was solely because I was fatigued physically. It bothers me when people think I’m not being myself. I’m affecting other people because they notice my tired mood and equate it with being down. I don’t like being in “idle mode”----meaning moving lazily about without purpose. I realize the physical body needs rest, but idleness gives the devil an advantage over our emotions. Being physically fatigued, out of my norm, affected those around me---which in turn affected me----causing me to be emotionally fatigued and prone to negative thoughts. Idleness makes you more susceptible to negative thoughts. And when thoughts become feelings, those feelings are likely to turn into actions. I believe my idleness affected me---- and others -----and I’m certain there is no purpose in that.
I continue to evaluate each day ---always considering each new opportunity as a chance to learn “something about something.”
````NO MORE PURPOSE CONFLICT`````````

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