The Devil's Game

I thought it was just me and that I was going crazy until Jay confirmed my thoughts from yesterday. This scenario has happened so often that I began to believe it was being done on purpose and that I indeed was a contestant on the show "Boiling Points."

If you were watching from behind closed doors, you would see that every time I would sit to read the Bible or write, the same couple of inmates would scurry over and proceed to tell me nothing of substance. When Jay and I would be working on something with purpose, these same few, like programmed robots, would completely throw our progress off.

So earlier today, as I'm sitting there trying to endure through the worst prison "headlock" you can get, my mind is choking-- but my demeanor is open. I'm struggling to find the bluntness to confront the interrupters; instead I just engaged and exchanged advice to no avail, only to have lost time of purpose, progress, and productivity. And then Jay reinforced my thoughts and confirmed what my heart was thinking. He said, "Did you ever notice that when we are doing something with purpose and God, that the same people come over to interrupt?" And I thought I was going crazy and was indeed struggling between being extremely patient and compassionate over being honest and blunt. We both then agreed that they probably have no idea what they are interrupting, but the devil certainly does. It's the devil's version of "Boiling Points," and it's no game.

We always assume that believers are the only ones living on purpose, as it turns out, the devil lives on purpose too, "seeking to and fro whom he may devour." (I Peter 5:8)

I have decided that practicing prison patience is a dime a dozen in here, and when working to advance the Kingdom that sincere honesty and frankness will now be put into effect.

Trust me, the interruptions are usually selfish and non-substance bearing anyway. I know I'm gonna have to choose my stances wisely, but His purpose and progress heavily outweighs these adversarial "headlocks". What an environment! "Boiling Points" the show has nothing on this place! "Resist him, steadfast in the faith...." (I Peter 5:9).

Boiling Points

This place never ceases to amaze me, and today could not have been scripted. It's very late now and lights are off, but this is the only chance I have gotten to write my thoughts. I swear I was waiting for a camera to come out and tell me I was on the game show, "Boiling Points." The show is an MTV series where real life scenarios are used and the person is pushed to their absolute limits, either succeeding in enduring or succumbing to the pressure by acting out of character. The hidden cameras then come out and the contestant is relieved to know that his circumstances were scripted to get a rise out of him.

But the cameras never came and my limits were continually pushed. Usually one onslaught of these one-sided conversations is enough to make your head spin. We call these prison "headlocks." Today, not even recreation or mess movement was able to release the "headlock," and as soon as I returned to the tier to attempt to read or write, the same individuals would make their way to the table only to continue cutting off my air supply off. My bed area did not even deter these encroachments.

And I must endure, and I must practice prison patience, but I am wondering if there is more to these interferences than meets the eye. Am I that interesting or open that anyone can feel free to approach me and engage in mostly pointless rants and raves? I welcome all conversations with substance and enjoy being a light, but when the interruptions have nothing to do with anything except appeasing the imposer's selfishness, I am at a loss for words and the "headlocks" are cutting my "light" off.

Do I continue to be patient with them or explain straight-out that I am busy? Is that rude if I am in the middle of reading or writing and purpose to not want the constant interruptions? I mean I am always waiting for an opportunity to direct the conversation towards God and substance, but that usually happens without any response from the interrupter.

This occurs daily and I'm starting to think there is more to these "headlocks." Or am I going crazy with my thoughts? I know I must persevere and continue to be a light regardless of my surroundings, but where are the hidden cameras when you need them?

Exhausted, it's bedtime....

Thank you all

I honestly don't need anything in here and if I told you I did, that would be a lie. The support, encouragement, and prayers have been more than enough to see me through, but Christ's love, peace, and grace is truly all I need to sustain me. I was blessed to be able to see my parents yesterday, only for an hour and a half, but content nonetheless. It's crazy to hear from them all that is going on with "my story." I put "my story" in quotes because it's weird to write those words, and it is still surreal that I have a "story" that people are following.

I'm not sure if too many people know this, but I have never seen the web site or anything else associated with "the story" outside these walls. The only thing I see on a daily basis related to my blog is the white paper and flimsy plastic pen that I write with to send home to my mom to post.

She sends me a lot of viewer's feedback and it is uplifting to say the least. Also, the letters I receive that reflect on my thought and God's truths are inspiring and motivational to me. But I also believe that because I haven't seen the site and have no idea what else is going on with the site, I remain humbled and grounded.

It's easy to fall into the belief that we make things happen on our own, especially when we have a visual image of what is accomplished or at work. I believe that not knowing or seeing all that is going on allows me to keep writing from my heart in all humility by God's good and perfect grace. The falsity that we can do things on our own keeps us from spiritual growth, and that is why we have to watch which nature we are feeding, the spirit or the flesh?

Trust me, it's certainly encouraging to have so much support and I don't know where I would be without it (God is gracious), but it is crucial that I continue to nourish my spiritual nature versus my physical nature. The need to do things my way and to please others must no longer be supported; "for those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit" (Romans 8:5). One must win out, and the one we starve will eventually die. "For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

Words cannot express how humbled and appreciative I am for all the support, encouragement, and prayers, and though I may have NO idea of all that is going on, I know that God's love and peace is on-going. Thank you to all and ALL PRAISE to Him who holds me and molds me.

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content..." (Philippians 4:11)

Chameleons

You can fake a lot of things in life and you can be a lot of things in prison, but you can't fool God. On the streets, you can mislead those around you because you may only be around friends/family for limited time. In person, you can pretend to be what you're not, but this persona eventually wears off. You see, constant interaction with the same individuals reveals your true character.

In here, we can be chameleons for only so long, blending in with our environment, until our true colors are revealed. You can't hide them forever and though we may fool our peers, we aren't fooling God. I've hidden so many character flaws from my friends and family for so long and I honestly believed I got away with them. We forget that we may fake it around the world and hide our defects, but we can never hide from God. We may think we are blending in and able to conceal our sin, but all things will be revealed, "For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light" (Luke 8:17).

It's crazy when I think back on my chameleon ways only to realize now that I was naked, open, and exposed to the One who mattered most. And faking it may be a defense for many, but to an all-knowing, all-seeing God, we are defenseless, "and there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account" (Hebrews 4:13).

Now confined and surrounded by chameleons daily, I find that verse all the more fitting. Though prison khakis clothe and cover me, "all things are naked and open" to the eyes of God. So just like "time tells all" in this environment, God knows all in every environment.

Battle with self

"Self" and sin won over today for a moment in time. Father forgive me because my soul is in anguish when I fall. And it only takes a moment. I can't let my spiritual guard down for a second in here, but that was the problem, because I'm struggling with the "worldly" guard-- which is our ego's.

The incident happened in a basketball game and though I didn't back down because you can't in here, I'm completely torn with how I acted because of not backing down. It was broken up after a minor squirmish, but that moment is all it takes to escalate to the point of no return. Jay was right there and would not have allowed it to get that far, but the battle is within and with sin. The conflict is that I'm doing the things I don't want to do and not doing what I'm supposed to do (Romans 7:15-17).

I'm back in my "box" now but nobody is harder on themselves than me. My anguish could feel tears form as I showered, (the only privacy on the tier), but though a carnal eye would see my not backing down as being tough, my spirit felt defeated by my actions. I declared my iniquity and was in anguish over my sin (Psalm 38:18), and I know God forgives me; "I acknowledged my sin to you, And my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," And You forgave the iniquity of my sin" (Psalm 32:5).

I must die to "self" daily and the only guard I need to display above all is the shield of faith and whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20). Forgive me Jesus, for I'm doing what I don't want to do sometimes and YOU still protect me. I know I will continue to fall short and that it may only take a moment, but if the devil only knew that these "moments" are making me stronger in my faith; recognizing my shortcomings and turning them over to you, "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells"....(Romans 7:18). "Oh wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God - through Jesus Christ our Lord..." (Romans 7:24-25)

Another day in prison, it's only 1:25 pm, and already a valuable life lesson. I "will" to do good, yet the ability to do so is lacking because of "Self." Not my will, but Thy Will Lord.

A lot of day left......

Ignore the elements

It was beautiful outside today and apparently it's gonna be like this for the next few days. You can always appreciate a warm fall day, even in prison. It's easy to "zone out" in a good way, regardless of your surroundings, because of the clear blue sky, the warm sun, and gentle breeze. I found myself focusing on the few white clouds, instead of the 20ft (plus) high barbed wire fences and the even taller guard towers. The activity in the yard is organized chaos with 18 or more foreigners playing soccer on a 50 yard dirt field, full court basketball game with bent rims and sand patches on the concrete, and many more inmates scattered all across the weight pit either working out or hanging out.

Still, when the warmth of the sun allows you to forget where you are, you realize how climate controlled we have become. Bad weather has the complete opposite effect on an inmate's demeanor. And not just inmates, but everybody confined or not, seems to be affected by the weather. If it is sunny and warm, we are more predisposed to be pleasant; and the opposite holds true, when life becomes stormy and chaotic, we become stressed and negative.

Why does the "bad" in life have to bring out the worst in us? Can we in fact be different than what our surroundings are speaking to us? I have seen what the climate (weather) can do to an inmate's behavior.

Where is our consistency as believers and what "sun" are we relying on for our peace? "For the Lord God is a sun and shield".......(Psalm 84:11); And what are we allowing to move us, "chains/tribulations" or "rain/precipitation"? "But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish the race with joy."(Acts 20:24).

I'd rather trust in the One who controls my surroundings than allow my surroundings to control me. Him, "who covers the heavens with clouds, who prepares rain for the earth, who makes grass grow on the mountains" (Psalm 147:8).

And even in the chaos of the tier and taking into account its unpleasantness, I'd rather "Stand Still and consider the wondrous works of God" (Job 37:14).

5511 Inspired

A lot of purpose today and God was at the center. His loving-kindness is new every morning. Jay and my routine is still going strong and I have been arising a little earlier than usual for quiet/prayer time and by 8 AM, I have sometimes been up for 3 or 4 hours with purpose.

Such a powerful word - purpose: "Cause many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21). What is our purpose daily? God's purpose will be accomplished with or without us, so why not join Him? With those questions, I cannot help but to think about my priorities on the street. Anyone that knows me from the outside has to be confused or in shock that I would even want my day to begin so early, and especially in a place like prison. I certainly enjoyed sleeping in when I was free, and now confined, I cannot wait to start my day with purpose.


Today, Jay and I worked on something that, "Lord Willing," will stand the test of time. Time tells all and if God is the center of this, we know it will bring forth fruit. Too many coincidences, and as my mother recently put it, "There are no coincidences, just God-incidences." I wish I could disclose more details, but in due time or better put, His time. Just know that from the moment Jay and I met and bonded, we have used 5511 as a way to label our stuff and title any team stuff here in prison. The significance with 5511 is that Jay was # 55 when he was playing, and I was #11, thus 5511. Yea we both messed up, but now we are "Being Still."

Anyway, we must be onto something because who in their right mind would want more time in a prison day to accomplish, and who in the world would see a day in prison as a blessing? Well, when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4) and His peace makes any environment endurable.

I know that God's word is similar to rainfall and it produces fruit, just as water strengthens a withering flower, God's word brings true life to the hearts of us sinners. And when we choose our words with His purpose in mind, we are writing our future. I know I can use my words to describe my situation, but I would rather use God's word to change my situation. God said, "So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it" Isaiah 55:11.

God's word will never return to Him void and His purpose will be established with or without us....I'm joining Him!

Thankful for today, purpose driven by His word, and 55:11 inspired. To be continued.....

Just ask?

I am guilty of this lesson myself, but in a different way. My prison observation provoked this message and I am thankful to see things like parables of the Bible these days. Anyway, you know it's bad when you see an individual approaching you and recognize right away that they are coming to ASK for something. In this environment, it takes zero effort to ask another inmate for a free handout, with no intentions in paying them back, or even showing appreciation.

Now, not everyone is like this but trust me, plenty are nothing but takers. Certain inmates have this reputation and will actually talk to you about nothing only to break the ice and ask you for something at the end.

Some we call "professional jailers" because their approach cannot be duplicated or imitated. It is sad, but I honestly shy away from these inmates because I already know that when they are coming near that they are going to ask for something, otherwise they do not even speak a word to you. Many may believe this to be unchristian-like, (and I struggle with this myself), but in an environment where giving an inch turns into a mile, the line has to be drawn somewhere. It hurts me sometimes to say no, but I know it is for the best, not only for me, but I believe there is a lesson to learn in not always receiving what we ask for. Indeed this situation is amplified in prison and one who has never been here will not understand fully, but similarly I have been guilty of this type of ASKING myself. I wonder if my parents sometimes felt this way. Did my asking far outweigh my giving to them?

On top of that, I wonder if God shies away from me when He knows I am approaching His throne of grace in prayer with the wrong intentions . How many times have I only asked, asked, and asked some more, in hope that I receive my requests. I know God doesn't withdraw from us and He is always there, but it is important to understand that He doesn't always give us what we ASK for because it's for our own good. And this is another habit I must break, going to our Heavenly Father with no requests at all and simply just praise and thanksgiving.

I know that it would be different in here if the "professional jailers" just showed some appreciation to what they are given, and at least, their approach wouldn't seem as bad. But that's not the point, and the continual ASKING is the lesson to learn. Regardless if the ASKING doesn't stop from certain inmates, I know that they have taught me, inadvertently, to change my prayer habits with God and my one-sided requests to my family. "Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because we ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures." James 4:3

~Do not ASK amiss or out of order wishes; My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches~ (Philippians 4:19)

Stepping stone or stumbling block?

Regardless of my relationship with various inmates, I am always delighted when I hear they are going home soon. Most inmates do not want to entertain that thought or hear that conversation, especially if their date is nowhere in sight. I think for most of these guys going home, they want affirmation from their peers that everything is gonna be alright and it is with those intentions that they are anxious to tell others about their pending release.

Most recently, I was privileged to share my faith with an inmate, who is leaving at the end of this month. After spending close to 13 years in and out of prison, he expressed his desire to do things right this time around. He told me, "I'm not coming back to this life bro, but I'm scared and last time I had this feeling, I recommitted."

It was from that feeling of uncertainty that I was able to share my faith to him. We talked for a while about the obstacles he is going to face upon his release, and his concern showed on his face. I did my best to encourage him about starting anew and taking each day as it comes, no more and no less. But the unknown outside these walls seemed to conquer his previous joy.

I am happy for this inmate and I know that affirmation can sometimes be the best motivation, but I know that when we are already seeing the future through eyes of fear of defeat, we can fall backwards before we even begin. Shoot, the only job where you start at the top is digging a hole. I know there are hardships ahead and stumbling blocks await us around every corner, but there are stepping stones as well from this experience.

After talking with this inmate, I realized that we can never assume things are gonna be one way because of our past experiences; and ultimately, they will be what we make of them, especially, if we use them to better ourselves.

Still though, as an inmate, I can see how there is a different level of unknown thrown into our equation-- because of the label we carry, and our past mistakes-- and this can be frightening for the majority.

But as I think back in my life, nothing is what I originally thought. I now am aware that some of my stepping stones turned out to be stumbling blocks; and some of my stumbling blocks turned out to be stepping stones. We can't figure things out on our own, and that is why the difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how we use them.

Nothing makes sense to me these days except my faith, but I'm still human and an inmate......and I still stress, but I am committed to placing all my burdens upon the Lord. I am content with my circumstances and not worried about my future because I know that God works all things (even stumbling blocks) for the good, to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Odd text message

Where is the time going? It's already October, 2010, and I can vividly see myself in my bed on March 7th, 2009 at my parent's house, confused and in shock over the event and tragedy that occurred only several hours before. I felt sick to my stomach and the shame that consumed me cannot be described or duplicated. My mind was racing a million miles per second, but I still could not come to believe what I had done, the moment seemed surreal and it still does today.

There are some details and things that are a blur from that night and the next day, but I will never ever forget a text message that I received while I laid in despair in my dark room. The text message simply stated, "It's on the Herald online," and that was it! It was as if this person was being used by the devil, digging a knife into an already open and bleeding wound.


While I deserved the guilt and shame, I didn't understand the purpose behind that text. But now my mind is clearer than ever, and I can see how behaviors are driven by information. I will never be certain if that text message was done to hurt me, and out of a "HAHA, look what you've done" mentality, or for other reasons, only that person knows. But as I reflect back on that text, I think it is interesting how information-particularly bad news-is used as power to some people.


To many, being in the know about people's failures is what propels them to feel good about their own purposeless lives. I am in no position to judge anybody's life or lifestyle, but I know that when I was drafted to play pro or received awards, I never received a text message like that. And I only say purposeless lives, not to degrade anyone, but to describe a mentality that is more concerned with tearing people down then building them up.

And now, I am among misery and its company, and I notice how people hate to see you doing well, so it is true, misery loves company. Regardless of the reasons: envy, hate, or jealousy, (or whatever it's called), why in a world of so much pain would someone try to add to it. And someone without a grounded faith may never recover from such thoughtless antics. Pain is best learned through personal experience anyway.

I never learned a single thing from someone telling me about others death, downfall, or disease. There is no hope in gossip. Hope is best represented through overcoming adversity. Yet, we will never understand how much our drive to please self through bad information, can make or break a situation.

In retrospect, I am thankful for that text message and the feelings aroused from it. I'm not mad at anyone except myself, and I deserve all the hate that came and is coming my way. But a word of caution, don't seek to be in the know about people's desperate times. In a world with so much pain, why add to it? Let pain fuel your passion, not other's pain used for passing! The Devil is a liar.

Sacred table

Jay and I sit at this table almost every waking hour that we are on our tier. We do pretty much everything at this table from eating and relaxing, to studying and working. The conversations that go on there are always thought provoking and we are constantly testing and sharpening each other.

Outside of the faith based discussions at the table, we are also learning how to fly a small plane, how to build a log cabin, and how to speak Spanish; just some of the "How To Instruction" going on at this table.

To sum up this table, it is a place of purpose and productivity for Jay and I. Jay humorously said to me, "Yo, if this table were a human, this would be one intelligent table!" I could not help but to laugh at that statement because it was so true. I am not saying that we are the wisest or smartest, cause sometimes we are both foolish, but whenever and wherever purpose, peace, and Christ's love abides, good things result. "There is wisdom in the sight of Him who has understanding." (Proverbs 17:24).

I am thankful for the big fella and this fellowship table. It has been a safe haven for us and it has promoted productivity, as opposed to activity (cards, games, chilling). It's crazy because this table has certainly caused turmoil on the tier to those who wanted to create a rift. The devil is a liar and even a table can be used for felonious (evil) attempts to divide fellowship. I don't believe it's the "How To's" that are taking place at this table that causes strife, but the striving together in Christ, because unity is the soul of fellowship.

"Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind" (Philippians 2:1-2).

~At Peace Amongst Chaos~

Quiet time

Today's Streams in the Desert really convicted me in a different way. It was a very short paragraph, but it stressed the importance of having quiet time with God. Now the only quiet time on the tier is before 6 a.m., and I don't think I have been giving God enough of that quiet time.

You see, there is no where to escape to during the day from 6:30 a.m. to 11 p.m.; there is no way to avoid the chaos and find complete silence. The tier is about 2000 sq. ft rectangular with 38 males, so at all times, I am at least 4 yards away from someone. The quiet hours are from midnight to 6 a.m., so that would be my only opportunity to give God my complete and utter attention without any interruptions.

It is impossible, (even as I write this), not to have someone interrupt constantly during the waking hours. This "chaos" is the ultimate patience tester, character sharpener, and attitude adjuster; IF and only IF handled the right way.

I am thankful for this furnace, but I also know I need quiet time with God. It's easy to get caught up in the pointless hustle and bustle of the tier, and I refuse to go back to the priorities I had before I got here-- where I went from one place to the next, from one activity to another, all without giving God quiet solitude.

As Streams so aptly put it, "Contact with others in society is not what causes the soul to grow most vigorously. In fact, one quiet hour of prayer will often yield greater results than many days spent in the company of others" (p. 372).

This environment has certainly brought me to where I am at today, mentally and spiritually, but to grow in grace, a quiet solitude is a must. I know very well that I need my rest at night to attack these days, but I'm definitely gonna have to wake up even earlier now, and this doesn't bother me, cause like Nas said, "Sleep is the cousin of death". Nothing in this world, incarcerated or not, should keep us from at least an hour of quiet time for God .

"My voice you shall hear in the morning, O Lord; In the morning I will direct it to you, And I will look up" (Psalm 5:3).

Doubting Thomas

The scars I have encountered in prison are some of the most telling that I have ever seen in my life. I am not talking about the emotional and mental scars from our pasts, which go unseen, but, rather, the physical scars that are on our bodies that confirm an event whether a tragedy or a triumph.

These are marks left on the skin, a blemish, or a sign of damage. I have heard countless stories of inmates who have been stabbed, shot, disfigured, burned, etc.; and the ones whom I believe the most are the ones who have the scars to prove it. Anyone can tell a story and it is a common pass-time in prison. But sometimes it is hard to believe the events of an inmate's story without proof. For me, these physical scars are significant enough to consider and believe the words of the person that bears the scars.

But, sometimes we attempt to hide our scars because of the damage it has caused to our appearance. And similarly, we conceal our emotional and mental scars in an attempt to overshadow vulnerability. I believe that with every scar there is a testimony and sometimes we are afraid to reveal those scars because of the damage done.

We become like Thomas in a sense, who doubted Jesus' resurrection because, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my fingers into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe" (John 20:25).

Like "Doubting Thomas," we are skeptical with others because we do not see their scars. Equally, we lack conviction and certainty in our own scars, believing them to be nothing, but lingering signs of past tragedy.

It is obvious to me, that there is power in our scars and there is triumph in the testimony behind them. We should not be ashamed of the emotional scars of our past because, Why waste pain? And why waste a testimony?
In the book of John 20:26-29, Jesus eventually revealed Himself to Thomas saying, "Reach your fingers here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing."
And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Thomas because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Jesus knew that Thomas needed to see His scars to believe and though He did not have to reveal Himself to him, He understood the doubt that inherently exists in our human nature.

There is power in our scars (emotional, physical, mental), and by revealing them to others like Jesus, we are adding conviction to our testimony and encouraging others who may have had similar wounds. Do not be ashamed by your past. Use your scars to advance the Kingdom for they are reminders of a wound HEALED and should not be concealed.

Idle time

It was storming all day and apparently a tornado was supposed to touch down in the area. I don't know if it did though because I heard that information earlier on the radio. I also heard what a tornadoes favorite game is?? Twister. Ha. That made me chuckle too.

It's been a slow day for me and I actually described it as an "idle day" to Jay, which made me look up the actual definition of "idle." The word "idle" has multiple definitions and they are all very similar, but the one I like the best contradicted my day. Idle is to move lazily and without purpose.

After I looked up the word "idle," I realized that my day wasn't "idle," but my environment was. You see, it's the same old atmosphere since I arrived in prison, but it's not the same old me. From looking around constantly, I realize that activity doesn't necessarily mean productivity or purpose; and though the prison never sleeps and my tier is always restless; there is nothing of purpose being done by the majority.

I've long changed my stinking thinking and have renewed my mind, so I am always analyzing my surroundings. "Idle time" and" idle talk" has become an inmate's clock, moving lazily and without purpose. I am witnessing rehabilitation at its finest and it can all be summed up by that one word-" idle." "Idle words" and" idle time" will be accounted for eventually: "But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment." "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned". (Matthew 12:36-37)

Likewise, "Laziness casts one into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger." (Proverbs 19:15).


This slow stormy day has in fact taught me a lot; one, I cannot let my environment define my day or my thinking; and two, never play twister with a tornado.

~God is good today, yesterday, and always~

Self rules

Only God can save us from ourselves. Every single day, I see or hear of someone who has done something to affect their time here in prison. Two individuals, one who I talk with often in the yard named ###, and another guy, have both erased their release dates by allowing their egos and self to contradict reason.

#### told me in the yard about 2 weeks ago, that he no longer plays soccer because he doesn't want to get into an unnecessary argument or fight because it would jeopardize his release date. He had only a few months left after several years incarcerated. The other inmate, named ####, had a release date in early December. He could practically smell the outside of these walls; but both of them are now in "lock up" because of an altercation on their unit over an obstacle in life that causes every individual on earth to fall and stumble-- and that obstacle is SELF.

The--SELF---"me" is the biggest hurdle in our own lives halting our progress and peace. Personally, I was my own obstacle most of my life and it was never any circumstance or environment that held me back, but the simple fact that SELF would get in the way. I cannot think back and blame a single thing in my life on someone else, because ultimately my response to those things done, (hurtful or not), was from SELF. We are our biggest obstacle.

In prison, a majority blame their environment prior to incarceration as the reason they are incarcerated, but once in here, that belief of SELF continues to cause one to stumble in their progress. Now in prison, everyone has the same environment, and these walls are not a reason for me to blame a future fall in my life. SELF can never understand everything and God is the only one who knows and goes above and beyond our understanding.


I can imagine those two guys are now in lock up beating themselves up over their decision to please SELF over reason and jeopardize their "freedom" because of ego. I'm not sure if either one of them knows or believes in Jesus, but regardless of beliefs, I bet they both would admit that it definitely was not worth it. SELF destruction is an understatement in life. It should be SELF instruction which leads to His construction.

~~~Put together and saved by Jesus~~~

Honing a habit

Subconsciously these days, I find myself doing things naturally that I never did on the outside. This is because of numerous reasons, but mostly because of the fact that a day's routine and environment are always the same in prison. Some days vary in activity, but the time frames keep the limits and functions of that day frequently repetitious.

These new patterns of behavior that I now possess were birthed from discipline; the discipline of the system, and more so, the discipline of my mind. This training, that lends the opportunity to produce improvement in one's lifestyle-- or destruction-- eventually will become habitual.

I watch as numerous inmates continue with the habits that they formed on the street and take on new found habits established in prison: from excessive television viewing to sleeping all day. These same behaviors/habits will produce the same results.

For me, the habits formed through prayer and Bible study have brought me to my knees, not out of pain and despair, but out of respect and humble reverence to God. I know that when we discipline our behaviors to produce fruit on a daily basis, our actions will become habitual, and we will be more naturally inclined to be light to those around us, and attempt to love our neighbor as ourselves.

My environment cannot justly be depicted unless you experience it, and I fall daily because of the chaos (my temper, patience, and attitude are tried at every waking hour), but I have reformed my mind to bring my shortcomings to God immediately. I still have tons of habits to break and new habits to form. I know it's not gonna be easy, but I am and always will be a work in progress. The same habits will produce the same results. What habits are we allowing our environment to form in us?

~Disciplined by the system, broken by behavior, and habit-reformed by the Lord~

The beauty of rain

It's raining today after several beautiful late September days. Sometimes the weather doesn't mean a thing for a prisoner because the day's activities can go on completely unaffected by the weather (except for outside rec). We do not commute to work or depend on the weather for the productivity of the prison to function. But rain has a way of affecting morale. An inmate is more likely to quiet down on a rainy day, and many behaviors are predisposed to boredom on these days just like the weather. Our minds are left wandering, mostly aimlessly, leaving expressions of despair unaware on our faces.

But as I sit on the tier to write this, and consider the tendencies the weather promotes from my fellow inmates, I, personally, cannot help but to cherish the importance of rain as a prisoner.

I have noticed that because the outside is dreary, we focus our attention on the inside, where there is nothing to look at except drab walls and a restless environment. We become focused on our situation, and our mind is left tested by our circumstances. What are we allowing our minds to conjure up on the inside during these times? I appreciate the slowing down caused by the rain, because it reinforces my already conditioned "Be Still" mindset.

Likewise in life's afflictions, when that "storm" causes bewilderment and everything around us seems to be soaked by that "rain," we must look inside to "Be Still." There is something inside of us that is calmer than the world around us and is waiting to be tapped into. Or better put, "Greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world." When our circumstances on the outside are screaming at us, it is important that we look inside to quiet that storm.

From my point of view, it is definitely obvious how the weather controls our moods in prison. Our state of mind and feelings are affected by the external conditions. We need to allow this "rain" to flow forth to use for our own benefit; or better put, "Draw close to God and He will draw close to you."

How are we using our outside pressures to calm our inside turmoil's?

Don't let the world dictate

I'm not sure, but I think people have me confused with their own personal experience or what the world is saying. Apparently it is unrealistic that my thoughts and perspective could be "that positive" and some do not understand this. I can write of negativity and the bad, but this is only a form of complaining; plus I do not allow myself to be corrupted by the evil influences around me. When our minds are focused on God's truth, it is a state of peace. "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:7.

Society assumes that because prison is dark and gloomy, that our description of it must follow suit. Likewise, it is common to believe that our circumstances must define us, our adversity must conquer us, and our pain must consume us. I cannot change my point of view and I cannot lie about my peace; the peace of God. Hope can be seen in any dark situation when we are led by the Light. "Then Jesus spoke to them again saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (John 8:12).

Never allow any circumstance or worldly view tell you what to say or feel. Affliction and suffering should be used to mature us in Christ, allowing us to rejoice in tribulation. I know that pressure bursts pipes because it is an overpowering force and similarly, the world's pressures and its continuous influences do the same, causing distress. But, believers know that we should trust in the One who already overcame the world "John 16:33.

~That's the personal experience I want to emulate~

Thy Will be Done

I finished the Gospel of John this morning and was mentally stuck on a verse, which then led me to even more verses and finally ended at Luke 22:31, "And the Lord said, "Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat." This verse can be disturbing, especially when we think about Satan asking permission to trouble us.

I believe that things aren't any different today when it comes to Satan. He would like nothing more than to separate us, strain us, and trouble us; causing us to stumble in our faith. The beauty of this verse is that Satan has to ask for us and that evil cannot touch us without God's consent.

Which brings me to the original truth that prompted these thoughts, in John 7:30, "Therefore they sought to take Him (Jesus); but no one laid a hand on Him, because His hour had not yet come." They, who sought to harm Jesus, could not touch Him because it was not in the Lord's will to do so at that time. No evil can come upon us or harm us without God's permission, for He alone is sovereign and He alone sets the time. This doesn't mean God causes evil, but sometimes it is allowed in order for His perfect plan to be established.

Which brings me to His perfect plan and John 2:4, "Jesus said to her, "Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come." Sometimes, out of complete love for us, God will allow things to happen that weren't originally planned, but only that He receives all the glory, honor, and praise. Mary, Jesus' mother, asked for Jesus' help at the wedding, and He responded that it did not concern Him because His hour had not yet come; meaning His Father's will. Yet, He granted her request anyway out of love for His mother. This tells me that God loves us so much that sometimes He will allow things to happen outside the hour (His timing) because we expect, like Mary, for Him to show Himself.

I could be way off with this, but multiple times, Jesus states that His hour has not yet come proving He was following the will of His Father. And again, in John 8:20, "And no one laid hands on Him, for His hour had not yet come." They again could not harm Jesus and evil could not prevail no matter what. Nothing happens without the Father's consent, and His will established. John 12:23 "But Jesus answered them saying, "The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified." All in God's perfect timing, "The hour has come," that Jesus would be crucified to fulfill His earthly mission, providing forgiveness and eternal life to everyone who believes. And evil believed it prevailed, yet the Father allowed for them to finally take Jesus, in His timing.

I am encouraged by these truths and I hope I explained them clearly; but I see evil daily in this place and I am comforted to know that "the hour" is God's time and nothing can touch us without His consent.

My Bible verse journey is summed up in John 19:10-11 "Then Pilate said to Him, "Are you not speaking to me? Do you know that I have power to crucify you, and power to release you?" Jesus answered, "You could have no power at all against Me, unless it had been given you from above...."

~The hour is the Lord's~

A perfect peace

I'm content and I'm right where I need to be. I honestly cannot complain about a single thing since I have been incarcerated and I am thankful daily for God's abundant grace, peace, mercy, and love. Incarcerated, but still purpose driven; I refuse to let my mind and spirit to be confined like my body.

We are blessed to have such developed minds that we are able to think for ourselves. We are comforted with the gift of the Helper (John 14:16) the Spirit of the Lord, who is always with us in every circumstance. How we use the former, depends on if we receive the latter.

I once heard someone say, "You have to have a plan! If you don't know where you're going, how can you expect to get there?" Well, in response to that, I have no clue where I'm going and I am not worried one bit how I'm gonna get there. I know that I'm right where I need to be (my body), and if I continue to trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding (by my mind), He will direct my steps (by the Spirit).

My plan is to "Remain Still" and to be led by the Helper; and when I get there, I'll be right where I need to be. I would be foolish if I were not planning for the future, but I would be an even bigger fool if my planning was not involving God at the center. I am incarcerated and I will be so for a good while, but I am content because I'm right where I need to be.

~His purpose for my life, my assignment, is bigger than my confinement~

A message to my friends

So, a few months ago, I decided to randomly send a poem to my closest guy friends just to let them know I was thinking of them. The poem is titled AROUND THE CORNER and its content speaks of how life gets so busy that we lose contact with people we care for, and sometimes it's too late to reconnect.

Well the poem did several things: 1. It got some of my friends thinking I was mad at them for not writing me (which was not the case). 2. It made one of my friends relieved when he found out I didn't author it. He told me, "Man, that poem was really good, I knew you couldn't have written that." "Ha," I thought in my head. His comment motivated me to want to share this poem to all and then present my own poem scenario --which is even scarier than AROUND THE CORNER. I am nothing but God's tool being used for His Kingdom.
Here are the two poems beginning with

AROUND THE CORNER

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end;
Yet days go by, and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone,
And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well
As in the days when I rang his bell
And he rang mine.
We were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men:
Tired with playing a foolish game,
Tired with trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow," I say, "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes~and tomorrow goes,
And the distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner~yet miles away...
"Here's a telegram, sir"
"Jim died today"

And that's what we get, and deserve in the end:
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

When I sent this poem to my friends, I ended with, "Let's not allow this to happen to us."

Now my attempt at poetry called: THE ONLY WAY


To my close friends and family, who have succumbed to doubt;
A poem of expression, from my clear voice to shout.

The one before, Around the Corner, indeed I did not write;
But here in after, this one is mine, no feelings of contrite.

You may not know from whence it came, or seem to understand;
But rest assured, I have submitted, to God's good and perfect plan.

So here we go, just one more time, this parable expressed;
From Matthew 7 and John 14:6, the ONLY WAY confessed.

Now pause before you go on, to ponder this ordeal;
The man you're gonna read about, the scenario is real......

There once was a man who did not know, nor did he see his purpose;
He did this and that from here to there, but never came his closest.

He wined and dined and tried all things, but still the void remained;
He could not see nor did he look, his dread left uncontained.

Until one day, the man woke up and stood before the heavens;
A voice rang down and startled him; he dropped in fear led reverence.

"Who are you son? Stand on your feet, and let me see your face!"
"You stand in shock upon a cloud, outside the Pearly Gates."

"You lived a life from to and fro, but never claimed My Name;
That's why I regret to tell you, your life was all in vain"

The man shot back, "I did not know so give me one more chance";
But all around the angels cried, which left him in a trance.

In one last effort to make a plea, he moved up with dismay;
"Please good sir, I beg of you, there must be another WAY?"

"There was a WAY presented forth, by TRUTH so many spoke;
For I am the WAY, the TRUTH, the LIFE....And you I do not know"

So there it is, two ways of life, a parable instruction;
For wide is the gate, broad is the way, which leads into destruction.

And that's just it, the ONLY WAY, and narrow is that gate;
Enter the way, which leads to life, before it is too late!!

And I end this one with, "Don't let this happen to you."

Got fear?

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction" (Proverbs 1:7). Fear of anything can have a distressing and anguishing affect on our lives when we allow it to overcome us. It will influence our decision making, alter our outlook, and cause undue stress and anxiety. But the fear spoken of in this verse is talking about having a reverence and utmost respect for God; for He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and is all-present.

A healthy "fear of the Lord" enables us to submit to His will and trust Him with the unknown. Yet despite what we know, we still fear what lies ahead and experience apprehension in uncertainty. Essentially, we fear what our God already knows.

Coming to a place like prison, or any unfamiliar situation, brings about this fear caused by uncertainty, this "fear of the unknown." The unknown in life keeps us either trusting or stressing. When we fully trust, we do so because we have full confidence that our God is in complete control. Conversely, when we choose to stress, we are left with an uneasy anticipation and pervading dread of the future.

The latter of these two is more common. Had we known certain things in our lives would happen before they did, there would have been no point in having faith. Since we don't know the future, our faith can bring us to and through the humanly unknown. We remain steadfast because we believe entirely that God already knows and has us in His Heavenly plan. Easier said than done?

Well, had I come into prison with fear as my guidance instead of faith, I would have succumbed to the unknown by giving up or giving in to my environment. Likewise, had I come into this situation already knowing what was ahead, I would have relied completely on myself, and self always lets us down.


When we think we know what is next in our life or what we are supposed to do, we are edging God out (E.G.O.), trying to figure things out on our own. We have the unknown so that we can place all faith in God; fearing Him and submitting to Him, and not to the unknown.

I am humbled to "not know" what lies ahead, (nor do I want to know), because it is in this awareness that fearing the Lord brings understanding. When it comes down to it, all understanding depends on our knowledge of God. I know He is in control. Personally speaking, I would rather have the "fear of the Lord" then to live in dread of what lies ahead.

My clarification: Combine what I "know" about the Lord (His sovereignty and strength), with not fearing the "ledge" of the unknown and herein begins true "knowledge".

"Fear not, for I am with you...." Isaiah 41:10

Light or darkness

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I believe that statement to be true, especially in my current environment where the eyes are so telling. I think the misconception about prison is that everyone believes it's a dark place. Now I can only speak from my experience, and about this institution, but the place isn't what is dark, but the individual that are housed here are.

It's one thing to see someone's behavior reflect evil, but an entire different thing to see eyes that contain nothing. Some individuals have lost that twinkle in their eyes and look lost. Their eyes are lifeless and hard. What their eyes choose to perceive is what dwells in the mind. This concept works both ways for good or bad; light or darkness. We are what we see and when our eyes only see evil, our whole body will be full of darkness. The eye is the lamp of the body and when our eyes are "good," that which we perceive is "healthy," then our whole body will be full of light. (Matthew 6: 22-23)

The eyes tell our feelings, without actions or words, and it is what we see through them that resonate in our minds. It's the difference between compassion and callousness; resenting and forgiving; good and evil, and ultimately light and darkness.

I can't read minds, but I can read eyes, some more telling than others. And it is those telling gates that an inmate cannot close off. Choosing the absence of light is choosing not to see.

~~~UNDERSTANDING BEGINS WITH THE EYES~~~~

Toil is not in vain

I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning wide awake and feeling rejuvenated. Yesterday was a rough day and I was in bed by 9 p.m. Since I was up so early I was able to catch up on the readings I had missed from yesterday's "bug." I missed church last night so I'm really looking forward to Male Leadership tonight. To be continued after Pastor Vic's message...

Just got back and you can't make this stuff up....Minister Chris opened up tonight's message with Psalm 127, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep." Then Pastor Vic followed with, "Toil is not in vain. Your blessing is on its way. Stay right there!"

Confirmation once again-- for this time in prison is not in vain, and stay right there means to "Be Still." I looked for a verse to close out last night's writing and it came today at the perfect time (Psalm 127). Life lived apart from God is not worth living.

As Pastor Vic confirmed, through the word, I must continue to move forward. I must get results and I must expect doubters in the process.

Acts 4, Peter and John arrested in an attempt to silence God's truths. "As they spoke to the people, the priests, the captain of the temple, and the Sadducees came upon them, being greatly disturbed that they taught the people and preached in Jesus the resurrection from the dead. And they laid hands on them, and put them in custody"....(Acts 4:1-3) And the results: "However, many of those who heard the word believed; and the number of the men came to be about five thousand." (Acts 4:4). Even though Peter and John were arrested for speaking the Word, the Word cannot be arrested. I must do this one thing: Get results. Expect results!

~~~~"My time, my prison time, will not be spent in vain"~~~

Blessed to be in prison

I woke up today feeling terrible. My head and chest were pounding and I was completely congested, so I decided to stay in from rec and try to rest. There has been a "bug" going around and I thought I was going to be able to shake it, but it really wiped me out. The morning dragged into the afternoon and I was unable to fall asleep, not because of the lights or noise, but I was dumbfounded by a conversation out front of my area that sent my mind down memory lane.

The remark that triggered this response mentally was, "This is my 6th bid, and every time back, I use it as an opportunity to catch up on sleep, food, and TV." This statement from one of my fellow inmates was verbatim and he was dead serious. This made me ponder about how much wasted time and energy I used to spend on pointless activities. And this is a piece of prison mentality that is very common. Prison for many is used for just those three things (sleep, food, tv) and rec. But wasting time on those things is no different from some of the things I wasted my time doing on the outside

I have slept away countless mornings. My idea of a productive day was soccer training and the gym; no more and no less.

How much time did I waste on things that did not matter? How much energy was spent on activities without purpose? Life happens too fast. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years; and when we look back over the years, what do we have to show for our time?

My time, my prison time, my peace of prison, will not be spent in vain (lacking substance or worth). I refuse to look back and say that this is a time of my life that I want to forget. Time served doesn't have to be time lost.

Before I knew it, the time had passed to several hours and I had completely removed my mind from my physical symptoms. Though I was laying around feeling sickly, I was being mentally productive with self-evaluation. Though I was disgusted with how I lived my life prior to prison, I could not help but to feel blessed to be here. And then I just re-read that sentence, "Blessed to be in prison?" Yes, blessed to be able to "Be Still"; blessed to have time to re-evaluate my life; blessed to finally live with purpose. I mean that statement with all that I am. I can't take back the past, but I can embrace the present. Thankful daily and continually in debt to Christ. Good night.

An encouraging visitor

God understands! You wanna know how I know He understands....because today I received a visit from someone on the complete other side of the spectrum.

This "Someone," is a father, who lost his daughter by the hands of a drunk driver. A man who did not know me or my family and was responding only to what he saw online and in the news, yet he saw clearly enough to look past my crime and into the purpose at hand.

I had no idea what to expect in the visit; nor did he; but we shared and connected because God understands. God understands that sometimes people are hurting so deeply that they cannot see or hear and they don't want to talk; God understands that many are overwhelmed with a tragedy or a loss that they don't know how to deal with it.

Without Christ, the pain can be too much to bear and many refuse to receive the healing from forgiveness. Yet, as God understands, so did my visitor. Today, with God's strength, this man expressed to me the importance of closure in so many of life's tragedies. He presented me with such encouragement to keep moving forward because the message is needed on both sides of tragedy.

Two different sides, bearing the consequences of an irresponsible decision and unexpected tragedy, coming together to share the character of the Almighty God: His love, His strength, and His forgiveness. God understands and my visitor did too. His comfort is always available and the gap can be bridged with any circumstance when we rely on Him.

Thank you George for your encouragement, support, and strength. Thank you for understanding, because God does too!

Closed doors

One thing about prison is that when they lock us in, we are locked in, and there is nothing we can do about it. I hear our tier-block gate slam shut and every time it closes, I'm still not used to the sound....but I'm now used to the reason behind the "locked gate," and I know ‘it is what it is.'

When you first come to prison, it takes some time getting used to being "locked up." You cannot go as you please and you must rely on an officer to open the door. Heck, you can't even lock in by yourself and an officer must do that too. As inmates, we had to come to the understanding that a closed door is undoubtedly a closed door, and we must not question the reasons behind it.

I'm not fazed by the locked gate anymore and I know that when it is unlocked, then I can walk through it-- until then I wait patiently.

Likewise in life, we are always looking for that open door, hoping for the one opportunity, but when it shuts on us, we get discouraged and question God. We never come to the understanding that these closed doors are a God-send. What appears to be a dead end only means to turn around to find another way: "So I say to you, ASK, and it will be given to you; SEEK, and you will FIND; KNOCK, and it will be OPENED to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Luke 11:9-10.

This doesn't mean that we get whatever we want, but when we pray for God's will in our life, we can be sure that He will open the doors He wants open and close the doors He wants closed. When we ask in His name and purpose, we will always receive what is spiritually beneficial in our lives, and sometimes that's a "locked gate." Do not lose faith when a door closes, because there is always a reason behind it. Continue to ASK, SEEK, and KNOCK; for when that door opens by God, no one can shut it. "He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens." (Revelations 3:7)

There is always a reason behind a closed door, it is what it is, and sometimes a "closed way" brings us "closer" to the right way.

Mentally productive

Just one of those slow days in prison, Thursday, and it's also Jay and mines fast day. The weather is changing so there is a lot of sniffling, coughing, congestion, etc., on the tier. I go from being stuffed up in the morning to running in the evening. Jay is actually feeling under the weather too, so he has been sleeping most of the day. I'm not sure if my symptoms are allergen or head cold, but either way they have made me feel fatigued. On top of that, my inactivity is causing me to crave food even more on this "fast" day.

I found myself not having the energy to read, write, or do rec, and when I'm not able to do those things, I feel unproductive. I don't like being physically unproductive at any moment in the day, but today I just felt drowsy.

Then I remembered what I learned from a dear friend who was recently ill, and they told me that during that time of exhaustion and laying helplessly in bed, they decided to be "mentally productive" by talking with God. What a beautiful way of describing our thoughts; "mentally productive."

Because of this lesson learned, I found my down time to be extremely productive because of what I did mentally; praying took my mind off my stomach and symptoms and placed my attention on things above.

So many times, our mind is what controls our output and level of effectiveness. When we settle with ourselves that we are too tired or sick to even think, we are allowing our thoughts to dictate our produce, our fruits, our yield, and ultimately our promises.

"For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us" II Corinthians 1:20. All of Christ's promises, a YES, for they are true and trustworthy.

Even in inactivity, it is possible to be purpose driven mentally

Mr. know it all

It seems those who know-- don't talk and, conversely, those who talk -- don't know. I'm talking about those who really, really talk a lot. They come off like "they know it all!" I have had inmates come up to me and tell me how to properly lift weights. Just the other day, an inmate came over to tell me where I should play on the soccer field. Now, I don't know everything, and I never claimed that I do, but physical fitness and soccer has been my life since I can remember.

I mean, I have seen people try to coach Jay regarding weight lifting also, not understanding that we both came from Division I colleges, where the trainers are top-notch. On top of that, we both played at the professional level in our sports. What can I possibly learn from a jailhouse weightlifter? It's unbelievable, but it's a piece of prison mentality that gets a lot of prisoners into trouble, and once in the hole, they have the tendency to use their mouths to dig even deeper.

Case in point: Just the other day, an inmate tried to tell Jayson how to build a house. He thought Jay was nothing, but an NBA basketball player. Little did this "Know It All" inmate know, but Jayson has been building houses since he was a kid with his father's construction company. The guy's advice sounded good to me, but what do I know about building houses? -- (that's why I kept my mouth shut).

It was mind boggling to say the least. The guy was way off as he proceeded to tell us price ranges--and we were staring at a sheet of paper with current prices listed. He truly believed every word that came out of his mouth.
I'm pretty sure that if I do not know something, then I'm not gonna open my mouth and try to explain it. What goes in our mouth hits our stomach and is digested, gone...but what comes out of our mouths lasts forever and cannot be taken back.

The moral of this story: Choose your words wisely because a fool speaks of things he does not know, and out of the mouth speaks the heart...."Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man." Matthew 15:17.

Got what I deserved

I cannot complain about a single thing in prison. The noise? Nope. The environment? Nope. The ignorance? Nope. How about the way the guards treat me? No, not even that. I wrote recently about the attitude of expecting and giving.

Some inmates believe they deserve certain things. I believe I am deserving of just ONE thing: that is to be where I am because I did something terribly wrong. I undoubtedly cannot complain.

A dangerous mind is someone who believes they do not belong here. They believe that regardless of what they may have done, they are above this place. I say that is a dangerous mind because without accountability for our actions, we become like animals, literally, showing no feelings, logic, or common sense toward anything or anyone around us.

The mentalities that refuse to own up to their behaviors become self-indulged, and anything that impedes on that false sense of "righteousness," works like acid, eating away at reality. The dangerous mind is in fact dangerous, because that mind-set-is set on self.

I know this place can rub you every which way, but if you use that pressure and friction just right, this application will make you sharp in character. Those who allow their environment to rub them the wrong way, where the rubbing becomes scraping, will eventually become dull. It is crucial to recognize our actions knowing that we inmates got what we deserved. Many will disagree, but I speak for myself when I say, "I'd rather admit to deserving prison than to submit to a dangerous mind."

~ I'm right where I need to be~

What's in a name?

You know you're doing something right when you're not afraid to put your name on it. You only get one name and it's something that we all take pride in. When something is being done for the good, we as humans want to see our names attached to it. Vice versa, we feel ashamed when our name is used in a bad light. But regardless of how our name is used, the choice is ours in how we respond to it.

Seeing how my name will always be attached with the heinous act that I did, I must make up my mind to not allow the negative things said to "move me." You never want your name attached to bad news, evil sayings, or slander. That is why some people choose to post ignorant anonymous comments without attaching their name to it. They are cowards because they hide behind their computer screens slandering without any name accountability to their statements.

"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches," and on top of that, the best name to be attached to is Jesus Christ. He lived an exemplary life, so that we can see what is right to do in God's eyes. When we make our life in accordance with His name and ways, we are not afraid to use the family name. "For there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

I'm 26 now, and I apparently have my name attached to a story. I'm not ashamed to put my name on it because I'm using Jesus' name with it. My name will always be attached to what I did, but you can best believe His name will be used with what I do. "Nevertheless He saved us for His names sake, that He might make His mighty power known." Psalm 106:8

Happy Birthday Brother

Dear John,

Happy Birthday to you, my oldest brother. Today would have been your 33rd birthday and although I miss you dearly, I am comforted knowing you are at complete peace and in the presence of our Heavenly Father. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I'm gonna keep this short, heartfelt, and to the point.

First off, your daughter Alivia is absolutely amazing and such a gift from God. I know you know this, but I want to tell you anyway. Alivia is the joy of our family and she will always have 3 father figures in the form of her Uncles. Today, mom and dad let her release some balloons to heaven and make wishes. I hope you got them. Oh yea, did Jesus tell you what her wish was? She asked Him if He would let you have some ice cream cake. Bro, she is so precious.

Yo man, I never told you this, but do you remember my high school basketball games and how you would show up early to watch the warm-ups? Well, you would sit in the same seat every home game with a huge smile on your face watching me intently. I hope you don't mind, but Mom told me how proud of me you were when you watched me play. But John, you have no idea how proud I was that you were at my games. Just watching you walk into the gym filled me with more confidence than I needed. Don't tell Coach Feraco this, but when you were watching, I only wanted to impress you. You were always my #1 fan.


On a more serious note, I never asked God "why" when you passed because I knew there was an ultimate plan that needed to be accomplished. I hope you're not mad at that. I'm not so sure how some see it now, but I never saw it more clearly than I do from prison. You paved the way for me and some of the truths you shared with me never made sense until now. You were my brother, and though those who didn't know you well only saw the surface, your heart could not help but to spill out to those you knew and trusted.

I envy you John, for you are with the Creator and King of this universe. But one day, we will all see you again; But not yet, Lord willing, because there are some things I need to do down here that will make you and Jesus proud. It's not gonna be easy, but if the Lord is for me, who can be against me?

Bro, can you believe there are people out there who only want to see me fail? But no worries cause they don't know they are motivating me even more. I'm finally "Being Still" after all these years, and you are one of the reasons for my growth, so thank you. Tell Jesus thank you for understanding too, he'll know what I mean. Alright bro, "Happy Birthday" again and I will write again soon. Miss you earthly, but happy for you heavenly. One last thing, I ponder these questions in your poem you wrote daily:

"What will I do to keep my will broken?
How will I live to have the word spoken?
In me and through me, firmly and truly,
I must give up my life in order to save it,
I must get on my knees and give praise to Him who gave it.
Break down my façade,
Put all faith in God,
And always remember who made me. By JDM

Your Brother, M. Maher
P.S. One Love

Message from the Past

It's crazy to re-read something after a while, especially when it's something you wrote and forgot that you wrote. Seeing that it's my brother John's birthday tomorrow, my mother sent me something that I had written almost a year after my brother passed in December 2005.


I was in my senior year of college when I wrote this and I thought it was unique enough to share. I'm glad my mother found this because it's something I needed to read. My thoughts almost a year after John's death on his first birthday in heaven:




(9/12/06) "Not sure what to even write.... It has been close to a year since my oldest brother has passed and the feeling that he is gone never fades. One thing I do know is that I have changed since that December day. The most valuable lesson I have learned that I will take with me the rest of my life and that I am proud to have accepted at such a young age is: ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR THE BAD IN LIFE, ALONG WITH THE GOOD.
We can't just choose when we want to thank God and only do so when things in life are going fine. Many may say that losing a family member is a bad thing, but does this belief mean that the tragedy was out of God's Hands? I don't think so. I have thanked God over and over again for everything He has done for my family and to be honest, for even taking my oldest brother home. We must always remember to thank Him for everything in our lives, including the tragedies. One quote that I came across and have tried to apply to my life and that may help others in times of need is: "If you are going through the motions spiritually, don't be surprised when God allows pain in your life, because Pain is the fuel of Passion."

I have also learned since that tragic day in December that we ALL fall.... Some fall in public, and some in private, but we all fall........and I will always remember the pure fact that God looks at the heart and I am comforted to know this truth because no one had a heart like my brother.......I love you John and I thank God for your life."




~The meaning of your name "John" is "God is gracious." From the beginning of your death, (your birthday into eternity), God has been nothing but gracious and I see this more than ever from prison.~

The Prisoner's Prayer

After my brother passed away in December, 2005, my family found some of John's journal writings and several poems. We all knew him so well, but his writings and poems shed some light on his inner struggle. Pain was the fuel of his passion, so in honor of his life, I attempted to write a poem that was prompted by my current situation.

In honor of John David Maher, Jr; THE PRISONER'S PRAYER
"To God be the glory in all that I do;
A prisoner's prayer, when all things become new.
But old things must pass, in order to see;
A poem of thanks to Him who made me.
So let me begin, from a spirit not constrained,
A prisoner's prayer, In Jesus' name.....

"Though incarcerated, I am set free;
Not from struggle, but through struggle in me.
Though physically confined, I am at peace;
Authority may be theirs, but my mind is at ease.
Though imprisoned, I count it all blessing;
For by various trials, my faith stands the testing.
Though a convict on paper, I will not slow pace;
Convicted by Christ, I must finish the race.
A prisoner's prayer, by purpose I'm driven;
This too shall pass, Our Savior is risen.
-MJM

~Content and counting it ALL joy~

My Brother John

Jay and I were up at 5am sharp this morning and after my prayers, my first thoughts were of my brother John's life. It's amazing how clear your mind is in the morning, especially when you're at peace. I remember how quiet and reserved, yet strong-minded John was. I learned a lot from watching him at an early age, and I gained confidence from just the fact that I was John Maher's younger brother.

Not too long before he passed, I was home for Thanksgiving, (Ant was living in California playing soccer and Mike was on deployment), and John just had his baby girl, Alivia, 3 months prior. So since our whole family was not home for the holiday, we would eat Thanksgiving dinner out. So my parents, John and I went to a country club for a buffet dinner and it was a packed house. When the buffet line opened, there was no real system as to who went up first. So it was a free-for-all to get into line. My parents and I proceeded to get into line while John was in the bathroom. When he came out, the line was so long, it wrapped around the corner and into the lobby. We all told John to jump in with us, but as if not to be seen or make a scene, he declined our invitation and patiently waited at the end of a very long line. I still remember sitting down with a full plate of food, as John humbly waited till everyone passed through the line. That was John's servant hood attitude; he waited for everyone to go before him. He lived "The first shall be last and the last shall be first" mentality. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it clearly now. It may have taken tragedy and prison for John's actions to make sense to me, but "Blessed are the poor in spirit (Humble), for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" - Matthew 5:3.

"Oh but to only be as spotless as He.
I thank God for him.
Because He always hears me."

"In all my works, like Him,
I'll be a servant.
In all my words, in praise,
They'll be so fervent.:

"There's no way I could love Him any less,
Because of Him I've been so blessed."

"I praise Him for putting me to the test;
Purifying me with fire so I could be my best."


Poem written by John D. Maher 9-12-77 ~ 12-15-05