Your Job is a Self Portrait

I'm thinking about putting in for a job change here in prison. This morning may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I would be sacrificing a good job as a teacher's assistant to become a tier sanitation worker. There are about 7 tier sanitation guys, and maybe 2 of them clean every morning. By cleaning, I mean sweeping the floor for about 3 minutes and then mopping the dust and dirt for about 5 minutes, making their actual work time a total of 8 minutes-- compared to my 6 hour-a-day job up in the classroom.

Now, I spend close to 18 hours a day on the tier, which is my home-- temporarily yes-but, it's my home nonetheless. I guess I refuse to allow the place where I lay my head to only be cleaned up for 10 minutes a day. I'm no custodian, but my mother taught me the importance of keeping your house in order, and I know how to take pride in a job, whether it is assisting in the classroom or cleaning toilets. In prison, jobs give you responsibility in hopes that you will learn the importance of hard work and dutiful living.

Unfortunately, the "piece of prison mentality" is that most guys don't look at work as a building block upon release, but rather view it as a burden while incarcerated. Trust me, I'm not doing it for the $1.45 a day pay, but I want to lead by example. Many aren't gonna like this, because hygiene is the last thing they think about, but every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.

Sunday is my deceased brother's birthday....he passed at age 28, and would have been 33. The next 4 days are his...I miss him earthly, but thankful for him Heavenly.

Excellent

I started off this morning with a valuable life lesson and it happened in morning rec. You see, after reading so many books about staying positive, I took one of the main themes on attitude, and applied it to my daily routine. I know that one of the ways to remain positive is to always talk and act positive. Like when somebody asks us "How we are doing?" We usually give a non-emotional response like "Ok", or "Fine," or "Good." Well, my new response has been excellent. "How are things Matt?" "Excellent!" This usually sets the tone of the encounter, and today's response prompted a short, but truth-setting dialogue.

I was relaxing on one of the benches in the yard, where if I'm not working out, I am usually praying or collecting my thoughts. A fellow inmate named Rico approached me and asked, "How you doing Matt?" I responded with enthusiasm, "Excellent!" He then said, "There is nothing excellent about this place," as he shook his head. I countered, "It's a state of mind my friend...It's all perspective. The sun is shining on this beautiful day, and God is good, so yes, I'm excellent." Rico smiled, as if forgetting his previous perspective, and said, "You know what? You're absolutely right. God Bless you," and then walked away.

A simple energetic positive response to "How are you," allowed me to explain why I was excellent and then my attitude affected Rico. It's all perspective sometimes and even though this is prison, it doesn't have to be smothering and robotic. You can be effective anywhere with some positive adjustments and it's contagious. Never allow a circumstance, situation, or PLACE dictate your effectiveness. A one word response, "EXCELLENT," can break the mold. When your circumstances aren't the ordinary, make them extraordinary; it's a choice.


Exhausted today, time to read, "Lineage of Grace" by Francine Rivers, "Mark" in the Bible, and "Purpose Driven Life" again.

~At Peace~

Labor Day

Today is Labor Day, the first Monday in September, which also marks the end of summer for many. It's back to school for student and back to the fall grind for most, but not for a prisoner. It's just another day in the life of an inmate. So on a day set aside for honoring the working man, an inmate doesn't skip a beat. Not only did some work duties continue today, but the same attitudes followed them. The attitude exists that any physical or mental exertion is not fair to us. The "we have the right to something," is one of the main reasons some of us are here. I left that mentality on the outside, because I don't deserve anything in here.

I am not worthy of anything in here and many need to understand that we are not entitled to anything in here. We have been reduced to captives, prisoners, property of the state, thus humbled servants deserving of nothing. But that's not how many look at this situation and so the cycle continues.

They give us enough here to live, but we still believe we deserve more. How true is this in the free world too where we take, take, take, and give only to get back. We are deserving of nothing in this world and we are sent to be servants. God gave us his only begotten son and look what we did to him. But there is still something else we don't deserve-- but we were given freely-- and that is salvation. But many choose not to receive. As a prisoner of the state, I know I deserve nothing, but as a prisoner of Christ, I am taking what was given, the gift of eternal life. Though undeserving, I am humbled to be a servant. For this prisoner, Labor Day is just another day, but in honor of the working man, I am thankful to "have received not the spirit of the world, but the spirit that is from God that we may know the things that have been freely given to us by God." (1Cor.2:12)

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

My Mother's Prayers

No matter what your level of faith is, people in prison are always asking for prayer. It's a common request due to parole eligibility timelines and difficulties associated with prison. Now a days, we use prayer as demands or wishes to fulfill our earthly needs with God's purposes far from our minds.

I had an inmate named ## come up to me and ask me to pray for him and his parole hearing, which is coming up soon. Then he said, "Let's hope God answers our prayers and I'll be home soon." This statement got me thinking about how God answers our prayers. We think that if things don't go the way we planned that God did not answer our prayers. But He always answers and I hope ## understands that if he gets a "hit" that it doesn't mean God ignored his prayers. Likewise, with all of the prayers, how are we praying and for whose benefit, ours or God's? It's only natural to want the best results when we pray, but if the results don't favor our requests, how do we respond?


From personal experience, my mother is a praying woman, and these are a few of her specific prayers that she prayed for me and my brothers: May they walk in a manner worthy of their calling, may their measure of faith grow to full fruition, may no weapon be formed against them be able to prosper, that you, oh Lord, would be their front and rear guard, that you would uphold them in your righteous right hand, they that would be wild at heart for you, and lead purpose driven lives." My mother told me that is a prayer she has been praying verbatim for years and years. My current situation? Well not exactly the answer to those prayers-- or is it?

As I read each line of that prayer, I can see God's answer to every request in my life today. Just when we think a prayer isn't being answered because we are blind- sided by a result or event, we need to understand that God always answers prayers. He is always listening, and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Sometimes His answer comes by way of trials and tribulations, so I press on toward the goal in Christ Jesus. When our prayers don't turn out the way we asked, ask Him for the way through prayer.

Wanted: A little bit of respect

On the tier, there are two areas that always cause problems: the TV area ( 1 TV for 38 men), and the bathroom. I really haven't watched TV in 8 months, except for the World Cup. I rarely go into the TV area, but I have seen fights over someone changing the channel. One such inmate got several years added to his sentence because of a dispute over changing a channel that resulted in someone getting seriously hurt.

The bathroom, on the other hand, is something that is in constant use throughout the day and night. It can sometimes resemble a nasty, unkept rest stop bathroom. It's cleaned once in the morning and once in the night by the tier sanitation, so anything in between, is based on the respect of the individuals using it.

Well here is the piece of prison mentality that shows how respect is not a common attitude in prison. The bathroom was just finished being cleaned and before the cleaning supplies were even out of the way, one fellow inmate started cleaning his bowl all over the previously mopped up floor. The tier sanitation guy is too shy to say anything, so I decided to speak up. I asked the fellow inmate if he really was gonna make a mess like that and not even clean it up. He looked at me and said, "What do you care, you didn't clean it." I told him what difference does it make who cleaned it? Show some respect! His response --a hearty laugh. So I said, "Figures, since you didn't clean it, you have zero respect for it. Yea, that's a good way to live." He didn't respond and walked out. Zero respect and we all live here. That bathroom doesn't clean itself. It's impossible to win these battles in here, and it's sad to see such disrespect for others and "our own common environment." I can't control others behaviors, but my peace of prison mentality is: "Treat others the way I would like to be treated."

The shy tier sanitation inmate came up to me after and said, "What can you do?" Some of these guys never learn if they don't know by now."

What can you do in an environment where respect is wanted but not given? The answer: Continue to give it.

It doesn't matter where you are, who you are, or what your background is, what matters is that you can make a difference no matter your surroundings, for a light is best seen in the dark!!

Listening Ear

It's been a long day, but I got a lot done. I worked in the morning and afternoon, but was able to complete several letters during the down time. This is probably the fifth time that I tried to write down my thoughts, but each time was interrupted and "beat down" by a one-sided conversation. I actually wrote the first sentence of this blog at 8:15 pm and its now 10:25 pm.

In a tier environment, interruptions are expected. But today was way too much. I sit here and listen intently, but after an hour, my head wants to scream. I'm not sure if that's wrong or not, but my ears win the battle with my impatient mind. This place is a beast and if handled the right way can really develop a level of patience incomparable to the "free world."

I learned after the latest onslaught of interruptions, that I have to allow patience to do its perfect work, as difficult as it may be at times. I need to do it eagerly and earnestly because patience produces perseverance.

You could only believe this if you were here to see it, but it is now 11:35 pm, and if I had not wrote about patience and its benefits, that conversation I was just in, would have been the final straw.

Fortunately, I learned a lot about this "one-sider." Many in here are in so much pain, and this individual said he was waiting all day to talk to me because he was struggling with a lot of things. Turns out all he needed was a listening ear, sprinkled with some faith based advice. It's so sad to listen to pain that has no comforter. Many bear these burdens alone and don't realize that when we present all of our worries, anxieties, and problems to God that He will handle them. "Casting our cares upon Him for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Practicing Prison Patience is not a light task, but is a discipline that bears fruit. I have to wake up in five hours and that doesn't bother me because it's another day to learn something new.
~~HUMBLED AND CONTENT~~~

Hometown Hate

I don't find it hard to write my thoughts or beliefs because they come with such conviction, but I've learned that it's hard for people to believe what you say and easier for them to believe how you act and what they see. I heard an interesting quote that went like this, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." I love that idea, but unfortunately, in life, there will always be those who judge us no matter what we do. Even harder is the image a convicted felon will have with him for the rest of his life, especially going home to their respected communities.

For me, I know there are many who only knew me from High School and being "that guy." FACT: I was popular because of my sport's accomplishments. FACT:. I was also confident because of my older brother's, their reputations, and my athletic ability. FACT: But I was also immature.Yet, there will always be those who judge me from my immature teen years. But here is the catch, those same people, who may never of had a conversation with me, were angry when I would accomplish. And now, as a young adult, many of the same ones were glad when I caused tragedy. I could never understand how somebody could be happy about someone else's misery.

I know it's a struggle for an inmate to face their hometowns when released because I hear about those worries daily. They believe that nobody is going to believe they changed and will always hold that over their heads. Well, here is another fact, people will always judge, and we cannot control that. It is my encouragement, as a prisoner to other prisoners, that we do not lose heart or conviction upon release. Keep your head up and remember that you are not defined by your past.

I remember a certain individual who when He went back to his hometown, many did not receive Him. He was a great man in the eyes of all who really knew Him. But, those who just saw his background, family, and upbringing refused to accept Him for who He really was and what He stood for. His hometown was fickle towards Him, but that did not stop Him from pressing forward in faith.

This man went by the name of Jesus and His hometown was Nazareth (Matthew 13:54-58). "So they were offended by Him. But Jesus said to them, ‘A prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house.'"

Because of their familiarity with Jesus, the people failed to recognize Him for who He was, their eyes were blinded by disbelief.

Prison Doubts

Many times in life, we are faced with circumstances that cause us to doubt. Doubting means that we are divided in our mind. We worry about our future, our jobs, trials, relationships, or what have you. Many of life's circumstances naturally make us skeptical about the future, and when we doubt, we are "like a wave or the sea driven and tossed by the wind." Telling somebody, "Do not worry or doubt" is easier said than done, but doubting can make us unstable in our ways.

Any decision-making, clouded by the disbelief in our mind, will cause conflict in every aspect of our lives. No one is immune to doubt, and its attempts to creep its way into our lives daily-- especially those in this beast called prison.

Without explaining the effect prison can have on somebody, I'd rather show you through scripture how much power doubt can have on the outlook of an individual who is imprisoned.

The scene is this (Matthew 3:13), Jesus asked John to baptize him. After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water and the heavens opened up. Then, the Spirit of God descended like a dove upon Jesus. Suddenly, a voice came from heaven saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." John the Baptist witnessed this phenomenon and God's official recognition of Jesus as the Messiah. Seeing is believing, and in this case seeing should have been the ultimate confirmation. John bore witness to this event, but some time later, we see the seeds of doubt planted in John's mind while in prison.

"And when John had heard IN PRISON about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples and said to Him, ‘Are you the Coming One, (Messiah), or do we look for another?'" (Matthew 11:2-3). Talk about doubt, "Do we look for another?" This asked after seeing the heavens open up. I would guess that John's imprisonment played tricks with his mind, causing uncertainty to counter a previously certain event (Jesus' Baptism).

I don't know exactly what John was thinking, but I know the magnitude of the effect an imprisonment can have on one's morale and mind. Isolation is the worst possible counselor. After reading about John and these two events, I realized that "doubt is blind" and will cause you to lose sight of what you've seen and know. Although in prison there are a lot of unknowns, it is exclusively our faith, prayers, and various encouragements that will sustain us.

This entry was meant to be a challenge to never lose hope when doubt is present because those who have come before us have also doubted. Make an effort to move past the doubt and that which brings our mind against itself. Never stop encouraging and always remember the effect a "prison mindset" can have on our beliefs.
If you know somebody in prison, take the time to drop them a line of encouragement, it may be the doubt eraser they need. Jesus said, "Among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist." I'm in the belly of the beast and though doubt is common, it does not have to prevail. Like I said on 8-30-10, "I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going..." but by faith I see.

Got Substance?

It's the last day of August, and I feel as if I just wrote 8/1 as my journal date. I guess time really does fly when you're giving it your all. The source of my enjoyment is my substance. That's my new favorite word in this place, "substance," that which is solid and practical in character, quality, importance, and integrity.

What I am reading, what I am watching, what I talk about, what I think about. The substance of them ALL!


A quick look around my tier and I see many people asleep, some reading varied magazines: "Sporting News," " Maxim," and the newspaper. Nothing is wrong with a magazine or newspaper, but do they have substance and are they challenging us mentally? What thoughts do they arouse? Many read magazines all day to pass time, but nothing with substance.

Six are watching television and the program of choice, a sitcom. Nothing is wrong with TV, but what are we watching and what are we thinking about when we watch such programs? Do they have substance, quality, or importance?

Some are just talking, the content of the conversations often lacks integrity. How much time is wasted outside of substance? What are we allowing into our eyes, ear, and minds? Does the content of our daily interactions build character or corruption?

In prison, I agree that most activities are done to pass time, but why not pass time with that which is solid and practical in "truth"? What we allow into us (reading, watching, talking, etc) eventually comes out of us.

~~ "The integrity of the upright will guide them, But the perversity of the unfaithful will destroy them" (Proverbs 11:3).~~

Connecting the Dots

Having a routine based on God and His purposes brings stability to my incarceration. When I keep my mind busy and productive, I realize my days fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. In an environment where nothing seems to have order, things are coming together. When I really think about the past 11-12 months of my life, and I see the dots being connected, I had no idea what it would look like. If it appears like I know what I'm doing...it's not me. I have done nothing, but surrendered and God has supplied. God has directed and connected.

He has amazed me by using people that I know, and many that I don't know. I have to thank Kristie Woods Shackleford and Jesse Woods, long-time family friends, and lovers of God, who have stepped into my life and used their many gifts and talents to glorify God by spreading this story. I am humbled by their willingness to be used. (Jesse and I haven't seen each other since the 8th grade). Kristie only knew me as my oldest brother John's youngest brother. That makes their involvement all the more special-and all the more a God-thing. THANK YOU GUYS! I can't do this alone, and if it looks like I am.....it's not me! It's God, it's my family, it's Kristie and Jesse, and many, many, many of you whom I have never met face to face other than through the mail.

I have no idea where I'm going or what's next, and if it looks directional...it's not me. The doors have been unlocked and opened, I'm just walking through them. Many wouldn't believe me, even if I told them myself of some of the events and blessings that have taken place. It all seems too contrived, too influenced...but it's not my doing.
"Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul would soon have settled in silence." (Psalm 94:17)

So what's next? I don't know and I'm not trying to figure it out. "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

~~ Thankful for the present, learning from the past, and preparing for His purpose. We live in the present, we dream in the future, and we learn eternal truths from the past.~~

Fulfilled Everyday

John 15:11
Psalm 107:9
Psalm 90:14

Jay is finally back after being in New York's "Riker's Island" for the past 11 days sorting out his legal trouble. The result was all over the media outlets. Anyway, upon receiving the maximum penalty of one year at Riker's, everyone here at Mid-State assumed Jay would be depressed and completely bitter at the outcome. Well, truth be told, he is more positive and at peace than before he left. People don't realize that when you're at peace with God, a "worldly" set-back is viewed as a "purposed" set-up. Jay is now relieved, not restrained, and he actually brought something up that I said to him before he left. At that time, he said, I was crazy. But now he understands.

Before he went to New York, I said to him, "Don't think I'm crazy, but I can live here forever." He shot me down and told me I was crazy. But, then I explained, "I'm serious, I know there is more out there for me, but if it were the case that I had to stay here, I'm content. I'm finally living with purpose, and I'm doing more for the good now than I would ever be doing if I were just playing soccer. I'm fulfilled everyday!" He paused for a minute to soak in what I had said, then responded, "Don't ever say that again." Jay didn't like me saying I could live here ‘forever,' but he understood where my head and heart was. I was only speaking figuratively. What I meant was that it didn't matter, where you are, or what your circumstances to live a life fulfilled and at peace.

Now, back to today, so Jay says to me, "I know exactly what you meant now when you said you could live here forever. This too shall pass for us, but what's the difference between this and sitting on a beach when we are living with purpose. I'm satisfied now and I know God has an ultimate plan for me." Jay couldn't have said it any better. And the Truth, the Word, Jesus...will set you free.

I'm either insane or onto something....

~Nothing is more satisfying and fulfilling than living with purpose for the Lord; He will always meet all of our needs~

"For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness." (Psalm 107:9)

Emotional Damage

I observe numerous inmates who just sit in their area staring aimlessly into thin air. When others see this behavior, they usually say, "Come back to us, everything is gonna be alright." It's an attempt to put the inmate on the spot, but all in good fun. You never really know what the inmate is thinking, but their body language says it all.

Thoughts of the outside, family, friends, life before incarceration, things which you cannot change or control, can only take the inmate on a psychological journey, in which he cannot return without emotional damage. It's hard indeed and I told Jack if he ever sees me staring aimlessly into nothing please come knock me back to reality. I know an idol mind will run wild, and that mind trip is displayed in a person's behaviors and demeanor. If you want to study human behavior, prison is the perfect environment. Not just the staring listlessly, but observing human responses to certain situations. Many times, the way in which an inmate approaches their time served, reveals whether they believe "time served is time lost."

If a person sees everything they do as pointless, and would want nothing more than to be able to sleep their time away, that attitude can be problematic. Interestingly enough, I asked numerous inmates a question. I literally walked up to them with a question posed on a piece of paper and asked if they would feel comfortable answering it.
The question: If you were able to take a sleeping pill that would place you unconscious for your allotted time in prison, would you and why?"

Some of the responses would blow your mind. Coming soon....

Inspiring Book

I received a very ‘inspiring' gift the other day, via mail, in the form of two books. One is titled "Live Inspired" and the other is called "Welcome the Rain" both by Michelle Sedas (www.michellesedas.com). In the front of the books were personalized messages from the author herself, which I thought was unbelievable (very cool) to receive books from the actual author and signed on top of that. I immediately read through "Live Inspired" and was without a doubt, inspired; and then into "Welcome the Rain." Both books prompted this entry. The theme of "Live Inspired" asks people across the world, what living inspired means to them. Miss Sedas then uses their testimonies, quotes, and words of inspirations, mixed with her own thoughts, to lead us to answers for this journey. "Welcome the Rain" encourages readers to welcome life's storms with the ability to pick our attitudes and responses; choosing to see beyond life's storms.

I felt compelled to answer the first book's question-"What inspires me," with the second book's ideas of "Welcoming the Rain." Thank you, Miss Sedas, for your motivation.

To me, living inspired means that no matter what my circumstances or environment, I should live life so that those around me win. A life inspired to me means the ability to remain "still" amongst chaos, knowing that the divine influence of peace is from God Almighty. To live life with inspiration is the recognition that God has an intended purpose for life's storms and with the encouragement offered through His "weathering instruments" (the likes of Michelle Sedas and many others), I am ‘welcoming that rain.' My inspiration is knowing that though I am confined, I am free; though I am weak, My God is strong; though I am in the dark, I can be a light; though I can't right my wrong, I can weather my storm.

I welcome the storms and its intentions, for by it and through it, God will be exalted.

"He calms the storm, so that its waves are still." Psalm 107:29

Out of character

Two steps forward and three steps back. Unfortunately, when you start off your day stepping backwards, it's hard to make a forward progress. I learned a very valuable lesson today about how I should start and end my days, and all before 7 am. Same wake up time (5:30 AM), and same morning routine, except today the lights came on at 5:40 am instead of 6 am, so a lot of individuals were up, and I needed to get out of their way. I usually have 30 minutes in the morning before anyone is up to do my work out and prayer. Since the lights came on earlier than usual, I did not get to pray and from then on, everything seemed off. I still did my readings before 6:30 am mess, but my mind wasn't clear and I wasn't concentrating. I came back from mess at 6:45 am, and this is when the back-stepping took place.

For the past few weeks, every morning, when I would get back from mess, the same inmate would be sitting in my seat, where I do my writing. It became so scripted that I wouldn't be able to tell if he was messing with me or not. I would ask him if I could get my seat and sometimes I would even joke around with him about it. He would eventually get up and give me my seat. (I say my seat because it's actually my assigned chair with my bed # on it). But I could never understand why he would continue to do it every morning.

Well, this morning, I lost it and without giving the shameful details, I definitely came out of character. Very brief, but very unchristian-like and it was all because I started off my day ‘backwards'; not in prayer with my Father. Let's just say he won't be sitting in my seat anymore. When I look back at the situation, it's not even something I should have cared to react to. I apologized to this inmate about an hour later, but the backsliding had already taken place. Never again will I begin my day without taking the time to dedicate my day to God. You never realize the difference a simple prayer can make; the difference between a mentality of peace or chaos, light or dark. The difference between progression or digression.

Two steps forward and three steps back, and it all depends on how we start and end each day.

"The backslider in heart will be filled with his own ways, But a good man will be satisfied from above." Proverbs 14:14

Lots of movement

A lot of change in my tier the past two months. Today alone there were three inmate movements opening up 3 beds. It's like a lottery on who fills the beds. You hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. One selfish inmate can affect the entire morale of the tier. One of the 3 inmate movements today was to lockup. An inmate, my old bunkie, who was into his 28th year incarcerated, was taken away in handcuffs. Long story, but needless to say, he was a veteran of the system and knew what he was doing. The other two inmate movements were status changes to full-minimum, which moves them to a full-minimum unit (FMU). One was an older gentleman who wasn't on this tier long, but the other was my friend Jack.

Jack is now ‘full minimum,' which is the final status in a prison journey. I'm so happy for Jack and though change is difficult when you are comfortable, change is necessary and needs to be embraced. It's another step in the right direction. I will still see Jack in mess hall and rec, but when someone leaves your unit, where a majority of the time is spent, it changes the dynamics of the tier.

Jack brought respect and leadership to the tier, and many believed he was a judge (literally). He was a constant encouragement in my ear and always had my back. Definitely a major loss to 2 East, but I would rather see Jack leave, than to see him not take advantage of his opportunity to walk out of these gates. Time is on his side and everyday is another day closer to his freedom. Though he didn't choose his starting point in this prison, he knows his next destination point; and though he may not know his ending point yet, he will move on with confidence. He was a "Jack" of all trades. At times, I called him Uncle Jack, Jack ‘The Shore' Moore, and Elmer. When he slept, I called him ‘rigor-mortis Jack, HA. Before he left, we called him ‘Full Minimum Jack.' But today I call him ‘Adaptable Jack.' Adaptability requires teachability. The ability to change comes from one core characteristic-- humility. Humility keeps us flexible. It serves as the oil that keeps our hearts open to change and able to adjust (p 72, Wide Awake, McManus).

~Adaptable Jack today, but a friend tomorrow and forever~

Completed "Lies We Tell Ourselves" by Greg Laurie, "Welcome the Rain" and "Live Inspired" both by Michelle Sedas, and halfway through "I Feel Great and You Will Too!" by Pat Croce.

Matt discovers http://ping.fm/4vM10 how adaptability requires teachability...

Devil is a Liar

Oh what a day, what a day. Today I woke up at 5 am to pray for the day's events. See I had my civil suit deposition today. I knew it would be stressful because of all the feelings that would be aroused reliving the details of that awful night. I offered my day and its events up to the Lord and ended my prayer with "This too shall pass."

After I was done with my prayer and work out, an older gentleman on my tier stopped me in my tracks to tell me, "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but have a blessed day and ‘This too shall pass'." I could not help but to walk away in amazement and fully encouraged by his choice of words, (placed on his lips by God), at such an early hour, and how random it was (5:30 AM).
I went to work as usual and was called down at 10 am for my deposition. The deposition lasted from 10 am to 3 pm, and while I cannot discuss the exact details, I can say that the devil is a liar. After reliving my irresponsible night, which resulted in the death of Hort Kap, I could not help but to leave the deposition feeling worthless and ashamed. I prayed afterwards and I was being positive, but felt plagued that ‘my story' was insignificant. I was controlling my thoughts and I felt alone.

When I got back onto my tier, the CO handed me my mail. At this point, I wanted to just lay down because I was physically and mentally exhausted. Instead, I decided to open my mail right away. The first letter I opened was out of order because the mail is opened before we get it-- so the 4th page was the first page I saw. I began to read the following lines: "But in your moments of weakness, just remember you are not alone and not forgotten. Seriously Matt, your story has changed my thinking." And in my moment of weakness and insignificance, God provided those words as a significant piece of encouragement to me. The devil is a liar. The next letter I opened stated, "I know that I don't know you, but I want you to know that I'm so proud of you...people need to hear ‘your story.'"

And the peace returned, His grace was felt tenfold. The devil is a liar and would like nothing more than to place doubts in my head in order to conquer. His worldly attempt to diminish God's work was only countered by our Heavenly Father's abundance of grace, mercy, and love. The words of encouragement in letter- form were just what I needed. The Lord knows the power of spoken words. What an intimate God we serve.
In male leadership, a fellow inmate approached me to thank me for what I'm doing and to keep up the good fight because his college-aged daughter is following my story. The power of God's word and words spoken, "This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your Word has given me life" Psalm 119:50.

~This is not my doing and it's not about me. It may be my name attached to the story, but God's name is attached to the glory~ Life is given, when life is spoken.~

The God-given ability to choose. I chose to get up out of bed this morning at 5:30 AM before anyone else was up. I chose to walk to the back of the tier to pray and work out. When the lights blindly come on at 6:00 AM, I chose to smile instead of frown at the chaos that takes place at such an early hour. Some do not even stir, that's their choice. Many get dressed quickly and rush to mess call, only to return to bed to sleep; their choice, not forced. I choose to respond in detail to the several pieces of mail I receive daily. It was my choice to begin the day in the Word and devotionals; nobody can make that decision for me. Joy cometh in the morning, (Psalm 30:5) and it's my choice to embrace it. I hear of gossip and slander, things that are not true, but said out of envy, and it's my choice how I respond to them. Sometimes I fail in my response, out of anger, but I choose the response. Yard call announced, I choose to go out and work out. Tensions are high and competition turns threatening, my choice...no one else's. I choose to walk away.

I'm back on the tier now and there's nothing to do, the decision is mine: choose to lie down, choose to read a magazine with no meaning, choose to play cards or TV; I choose to read substance. The choice, I made it. A CO enters the tier and reprimands and degrades everyone for the smoke and other nonsense, many grumble and complain, I can join in, but I choose to continue reading. Lights turn off at 10:30 PM, I can retire to bed and attempt to fall asleep through the chaos, or I can flip out and tell those around me to quiet down...choices...I choose to close my eyes and talk to my Father. I thank Him for the ability to choose.

This environment will devour you, like Satan on the prowl (1 Peter 5:8). It will, if you allow it to. It's your choice. I control my choices daily and sometimes they are the wrong choices, but the beauty of a choice, a selection, an option, the power to decide, is that it's up to me. And the next time, I can make the right choice. No one can choose your attitude or how you respond to life's circumstances for you. I have the God-given ability to choose. I choose to be positive over negative. I choose purpose over perplexity. I choose being better over being bitter. I choose responsibility over irresponsibility. I choose faith over sight. I choose hope over despair.

~I choose the ‘God given ability of choices' over the enticement of the world's voice~

I messed up big time, I chose to recognize it and respond to it. We make choices every day. The choice was ours to make; no excuses...Lights are back on at 6:00 AM sharp, another day in prison. The choice is mine! I'm smiling, content.

Competition

In prison, more so than in the ‘free world,' everyone is always sizing you up. I experienced this first-hand every time I played basketball and especially during the few times I played soccer. But even outside the animal of recreation, in prison, you can't walk through the mess line without someone trying to see what you're worth. Who is better than you? Who is tougher? Who is the alpha-male? I'm always up for some competition, but that type of competition in an environment like this is dangerous to say the least. I've found that the only time I've had any strife or ‘drama' in this place was when I was competing in rec. I've lost my cool on more than one occasion and was lucky to not have the situation turn to the point of no return. Those situations result in lockup, (which is jail inside jail--a place you do not want to see, even told by the most hardened inmates). I'm just wired differently and I absolutely hate to lose, but I realized that competing in prison is not wise for a ‘competitor' like me. I've since stopped because I realized I have nothing to prove to anyone in here, plus it was unhealthy competition. I will always be competitive, an athlete by nature, but I'm learning how to channel that drive. My entire life I was always determined to be better than the next guy. This mindset created attributes such as dedication, commitment, and working hard. But as much as the competition would push me to pass one person, there was always someone else behind me looking to pass me. This can be discouraging at times; unhealthy competition follows you around. I'm still a competitor and always will be because I hate defeat, but I'm done with rivalry. It's time to take what God has given me and use it to the fullest, being the best I can be (competing with myself) to give God all the glory. I feel blessed to have the mindset of an athlete; continually striving to improve, motivated to make a difference, attempting to live so that those around me win. In the competition of life, it's you vs. you; be the best you can possibly be, using the gifts God has blessed you with. No one can use your gifts for you. And God won't hold you accountable for someone else's gifts. Compete, but do so in a way that promotes the Giver of the gifts. "A man's gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men." (Proverbs 18:16)

Jerusalem's Wall

I have to clean up what I messed up, an impossible deed by the world’s standards.--and mine. But nothing is impossible by the Lord’s standards. By Him, I am forgiven; by the world I am forbidden. I look around at this prison, but not just this prison, every prison across the world, and I see an environment full of people who made bad decisions. Some big and some small, but all performed an error resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. I often wonder about the shock and shame that I caused my family and friends; and even more, the shock and pain I caused to another household. So I’m trying to amend an unfixable mistake. The world says “give up,” the Lord says “give it to me.” The world says “cease,” the Lord gives His peace.

Why listen to the mockers? Why heed their voices...when you can, with the same ear, listen to the voice of God? (p. 107 Facing Your Giants, Lucado)

In 444 BC, a man named Nehemiah went back into Jerusalem to rebuild the walls for the city’s physical protection, but mainly to establish God’s purpose there. Nehemiah’s opponents were grieved at his efforts. His critics laughed and told him to stop, accusing him of false motives. But Nehemiah refused to listen to them. He said to them, “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?” (Nehemiah 6:3) Nehemiah would not get sidetracked; his enemies wanted to weaken him, but he asked the Lord to strengthen him. In 443 BC, “So the wall was finished...” (Neh 6:15). God’s purpose was accomplished and His name glorified.

My mistake, Jerusalem’s wall. I have to clean up what I messed up, an impossible deed by the world’s standards...but why should the work cease?

Trying something different

I thought I would do things a bit differently today. I wanted to write down my thoughts as the day goes on. Its 5:45 am, only two other inmates are up on the tier besides me. One is in the bathroom shaving, while the other is drawing. The one drawing appears to have never gone to sleep. Lights will shoot on in ten minutes, which will awaken only a few more. Around 6:10 am, the CO’s loud demand to “count up” will act as a free man’s alarm clock, unfortunately without the snooze button. But back to the current time, it is 5:53 am, I have already did a core workout, prayed, and read “STREAMS in the Desert” devotional, into Zachariah in the bible, then Purpose Driven Life all before 6:30 am mess call. Thankful this morning, “That I may cause NO MORE PAIN.” (Prayer of Jabez)
There is never a majestic mountain without a deep valley, and there is never a birth without pain. (Daniel Crawford, Streams p. 316) It’s 6:16 am, count up came and went. Already a piece of prison mentality. I began to read the Bible before count and continued after count, until a fellow inmate decides to sit down to interrupt me with questions about when Jay is getting back. He then went into his life story, without me saying a single word. He was harmless in his one sided conversation, but had zero discretion. Oh well. Many more are up and in and out of the bathroom. It is 6:30 am, COUNT IS CLEAR., (that means all inmates are present). Now it’s 8:10 am, I did some letter writing after mess, and now I’m waiting on education call. I was gonna go outside for morning rec, but it’s raining. So I’m off to work as a TA instead. It’s 11:30 am now. I thought I would be able to sit down earlier to write, but one thing led to another. Work was boring, but I was able to help someone take an online test and then jotted some ideas about the topic, “Time Served is Not Time Lost.” Came down to my tier and got a haircut, showered, then called home and talked to “Mia Mamma”! Lunch mess is being called and is the exact scene as the the 6:30 am mess call, where many are asleep, some stir, and the others are rushing out to the locked gate; just more controlled chaos and noise. Gonna read Max Lucado’s, “Facing the Giants” because I finished his “It’s Not About Me,” then back to work at 12:30 pm. Its 1:20 now and I’m back on the unit. I got called down from work to get legal mail. Those down moments that I talked about a few days ago, well legal mail always brings them out because it is always negative, but I chose to pray about it and release that which I have no control over. I refuse to let negativity into my life—so the moment is long gone. It’s all about weathering the moments as opposed to letting the storm brew for the day.
Its 4:20 pm now and just been reading/writing these past few hours. It’s dinner movement and the tier is fully functional. Well functional means two card games are going, the TV is blasting, and some are conversing, but not so casually. After mess, we have 5:30 pm rec and I’m gonna go get some “sets” in. Depending on the night and weather, the yard is chaos. I usually just keep it moving and no more competition for me. “Keep it moving” means to be socially active with every group. That’s how I get to know everyone. My personality has been like that my entire life. Relax time now. Its 8:20 pm on the tier, rec was good. Now I am just observing the different activities on the unit. A fellow inmate grumbles to another, “This is such a waste of time isn’t it?” I think, “No, you’re wasting our time.” But many are just wasting time, no purpose, no substance, no productivity. It’s 11pm, I am up later than usual. Lights are out, TV is off, chaos still resumes, but the peace of God overrides their environment.
~~CONFINED YET SET FREE~~~

My mom mails me all of the comments from the blog. I take everyone’s opinion with a joyful spirit because whether it is negative or positive—it all motivates me equally. I am abundantly thankful for everyone’s willingness to share. I want to address a comment that I read about me sharing only the “up” times, and not the “down” times of prison. Believe me, I am human and I am not exempt from feeling down. But I want to make it equally clear, that I believe feeling down is a state of mind, and regardless of your surroundings, circumstances, or trials, you ultimately control your thoughts. I am only where I am today, mentally and spiritually because of Jesus Christ and my willingness to finally surrender to His ever-present help in times of need. (Hebrews 4:16) So the question posted: Do I think there is any value to sharing the down times with young people? Well. Here is my answer. This environment is definitely tough and it can break you down mentally, if, and I do say if, you allow it too. I can say, with God as my witness, that I have not had any down or depressing days since I have been incarcerated on January 7th. Moments many, but days none. The moments have only lasted minutes because I keep my mind stayed upon the Lord. He will sustain us, because He cares for us. (1 Peter 5:7) It is a process of turning our thoughts over to God the very moment such feelings may enter. Feelings of anxiety, fear, pain, jealousy, hopelessness, shame, guilt, despair. regret, defeat, negativity, loneliness, etc….all lead to feeling down or depressed.
I cannot relate to depression because I have thankfully never felt it my entire life. I know it is individual and much can depend on chemical hormones. My oldest brother John, who passed away in 2005, had his down days and a Dr. would say he suffered from depression. I don’t know what John was feeling, but I believed John allowed his mind to take him on an emotional roller coaster. (Again I am not a Doctor and many would disagree with me). I just think that what we place in our mind can help with keeping our feelings in balance. Life should not be a series of bungee jumping highs and lows. We need to recognize our feelings and deal with them proactively. I believe we should attempt to keep our feelings on an even keel, not too high and not too low. That means even though life may throw its bungee jumping highs and lows at us, we should be consistent to recognize our feelings associated with such experiences—and guard them.
Recognizing them is the first step in not allowing them to resonate mentally. I believe that the very moment we turn our thoughts over to God; He is quick to replace those thoughts with His peace, which surpasses all human understanding. (Phil.4:7) It guards out hearts and minds if we allow it. It’s a choice to not allow those thoughts in. I have said it before-- thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions. A majority of things we worry about are things in which we cannot change. Worrying isn’t going to change the outcome, so why let the stress take hold of our life. The value of me sharing this is that I believe, no one is exempt from feeling down/depressed, but it is possible to weather those feelings. I would be more than willing to share my “depressed days”, but I haven’t encountered them yet, nor do I see any in sight. I know I can be “rocked” at anytime, but I am determined to get up after that moment’s time of feeling “rocked.” It’s not me, it’s not my strength; it’s God, His power, His peace.
I cannot speak for others, I am not out to deceive anybody with the joy in my life. I am humbled and completely gratified to receive feedback, encouragement, support, and opinions. I am only sharing what it is the Lord places on my heart to share. My thoughts and day’s emotions are put on paper as best as I can depict them.

Consider your ways

I am flying through so many books. I am also making my way through “Bible in a Year,” and I am in Zechariah now, but the past two weeks I was in Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah and Haggai. They are very difficult books to get through. They are not long, (in fact very short), but they seem so redundant. God tells a prophet a message, prophet relays message to people, people repent, then go right back to their evil ways. I know there is more to these books and I read them through several times only to come up with nothing of substance--or so I thought…
Then I looked around at my environment and thought about where I came from and where I am today. And suddenly the prophet’s message made perfect sense—CONSIDER YOUR WAYS!! A quick perusal of my tier, and it became abundantly clear that the prophet’s message of old is still the same message for today. We must CONSIDER OUR WAYS.
In prison, the saying, “You never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone,” certainly holds true. On the outside, I was so quick to offer (scattered) Christian advice, but I did not want to take responsibility to consistently live as a Christian. In prison, I see the importance of both. On the outside, I was never satisfied and I always wanted more. I had access to the best foods, drinks, and possessions. But I wanted more. It was never enough. I was never full. I was never content.
In prison, you have to make do with what they give you. You get three square meals a day, two sets of state uniforms, which includes khaki shirts and pants, tube socks, paper underwear, undershirts and plastic shoes. I sleep on a 3 inch mattress, no wider than 2 ½ feet. Your space is limited, your possessions controlled. A pad of paper is greatly appreciated; a normal size pen is hard to come by. Nothing is wasted or thrown away. Toilet paper never seemed more valuable. I can go on all day. “You never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” I earn $1.75 for a full day’s work and every penny is valued.
I’ve considered my old ways and priorities. It’s now clear, I now see. The prophet’s message of the past is for the here and now: “Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways! You have sown much, and bring in little; you eat, but do not have enough. You drink, but you are not filled with drink, you clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he, who earns wages, earns wages to put into a bag with holes. Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways!” Haggai
1:5-7
~~~And so I read on…nothing but the truth in the good book, the Bible~~~

ACE

Playing cards last night triggered something that my mother had relayed to me from an idea of one of my brothers. An extremely important life lesson came to me while I was throwing out the last card of the Spades game, to win it, I should add. The last card I played was the Ace of Spades, and in Spades, nothing can trump the ACE of Spades. I realized that during these card games, everyone wants to have any form of Aces, but the Ace of Spades is the King of Aces. The last few minutes of the game, everyone was just waiting on who had the Ace of Spades. You’re never really positive who has that card, until it is pulled and the person who has it, usually keeps it as a hidden advantage in reserve until needed.
In this case, it was the absolute last card of the game and it was the only card my team could possess to win the game. The ACE is also used as a term to describe other top-notch actions. In tennis, an Ace is a serve your opponent fails to return. Every tennis player wants to serve that ACE. In golf, hitting the golf ball in the hole with your first shot is an ACE. Even in military terms, an ACE is an aircraft pilot, who has destroyed 5 or more enemy aircraft. An incredible feat, and Ace of a pilot. An ACE is also used to describe an expert in any given field. The ACE is first rate, and whether its sports, cards, or a profession, being the ACE, getting an ACE, or having an ACE, is an advantage that helps us “win” in life or “win” in games. Recognizing one such ACE in life can not only help you succeed, but it can help save lives. Everybody has this “ACE”. The ACE is the understanding that “A”lcohol “C”hanges “E”verything. This is a must play, a must use ACE. Had many of us used and recognized that ACE in life, countless tragedies and lives would be saved. Don’t hold that ACE back, use it and know…”A”lcohol “C”hanges “E”verything!

Recital or Lifestyle?

I often get asked what Proverbs 3:5 is because it is tattooed on my arm. I usually just recite it off the top of my dome like the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and the Lord’s prayer-- not always thinking about the substance and truths behind the words. I think so many times, we take the verses as just that---words. We use them when convenient and rehearsed, missing the power behind the words. I’m guilty myself of this and I can’t even count how many times I have recited my “life verse” without contemplating the amazing solid and practical truths in such a verse. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6
Breaking down the words “Trust in the Lord.” When we trust in something, like I trust my father, I have total and complete confidence in his integrity, ability, and good character because I know him and have a relationship with him. Is that the same level of trust I am placing in the Lord? Hard? I agree. But I believe that’s the difference between living the actual essence of a verse, rather than just using the words in time of need. We need to place complete trust in God, have confidence in Him, and rely on Him. It should be no different than the trust we have in people (visible to the eye), who will always let us down compared to God.
“Lean not on your own understanding,” which means to not rely on ourselves. Probably one of the hardest things to do in life is to not use our logic and earthly knowledge. Essentially, letting go of what we know and letting God take the helm.
“With all your heart” means placing our entire being, the gate to our souls, our hearts, at the Lord’s feet. Using all of our heart releases any doubt, concern, or anxiety, knowing our trust will be upheld.
“In all your ways acknowledge Him: not some ways or activities, but ALL ways, admitting the existence, reality, and truth of God. I think in everything we do in life, we recognize how it will affect us personally. That type of deference should be placed in God, recognizing His power in everything we do from the mundane to the most important of tasks
“And he will direct your paths.” Our ways will be established. This latter, is the result of the former. When we trust fully, deny self, and recognize God---He shall direct our paths.” “He shall open doors,” and “He will put us in the right direction.”
I think the difference is in our level of belief. The difference between a recital or a lifestyle.
Proverbs 3: 5-6 tattooed on my body at age 18, applied at age 25.
“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11

How would you react?

Here is a piece of prison mentality that blows my mind. I will do my best to set the scene and mood before going into details. Well this particular night, the lights on the tier went off ten minutes early around 10:20 p.m. This is probably the first night I have seen a lot of people in bed and comfortable before 11 p.m., solely because it is the first night in a while, where it is noticeably cool. Still before I tell you of the prison mentality, I must tell you about the concrete floors, metal tables on the tier. It’s impossible to drag pretty much anything on these floors without making some kind of noise. Sometimes noise on the tier is bearable, and sometimes it is completely rude. Well, having the metal tables dragged on concrete…is never bearable. OK, so as I’m sound asleep, and probably so is 98 percent of the tier. Suddenly, I thought I was dreaming of my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Sokol scraping her sharp nails on the blackboard. Or better yet, the scene from “Men In Black” when Will Smith is taking the test with all the other candidates, then drags the table over to his chair to lean on making a loud screeching/scraping sound. However, I realize I am awakened, along with everyone else on the tier, to one of our fellow inmates dragging the one metal table from the middle of the tier into his area-- at 3 am in the morning! Just like in the movie, everyone just looked in disbelief that someone would show such disregard for those around him. That’s just half of it though.
Anyway, the piece of prison mentality that I have heard numerous times, in different ways, to justify ignorant behavior, occurred when one of my fellow inmates asked the guy, why he was dragging a table in the middle of the night while everyone was fast asleep. His response, “This is *************prison.” Once again, saved by the “prison card,” which means, I can act however I want and my excuse is that this is jail. That’s the common PIECE of prison mentality and I guess my PEACE of prison mentality is: Why can’t we change the behaviors and attitudes of what our environment is telling us? Why do our surroundings determine how we act? I know it’s prison and I know where I’m at, but I won’t allow my attitude and behaviors to be affected because “this is prison.” This time should be a blessing and an opportunity for every inmate alike to really evaluate how they were/are living. We, as inmates, cannot change our circumstances or situations, but we can better them. We have a choice every single day with regards to how we will react to our surroundings. We can’t change our confinement, but we can change ourselves, and sometimes that changes everything.
Just realized it’s Friday the 13th, and the only significance with that is I was born on a Friday, the 13th.
~~~THERE ARE TWO GREAT MOMENTS IN A PERSON’S LIFE. THE FIRST IS WHEN YOU ARE BORN. THE SECOND IS WHEN YOU DISCOVER WHY YOU ARE BORN. ~~~(Attitude is Everything p. 118)

Tested

Just one of those days. It was dreary outside, but cool, which helped the atmosphere on the tier. I went to morning rec and did soccer drills by myself on the basketball pavement. I usually only get about ten minutes in before someone comes over to talk about soccer. Today a new guy from Honduras came over to talk to me. He called me the soccer pro. He asked, “Why don’t you play with everyone at night rec?” “ Rumor has it that you’re no good and that’s why you don’t play.” I was taken back and shocked at his brutal honesty. A part of me, actually a majority of me, wanted to play everyone right then and there to prove myself. But that was just my pride creeping its way back in. I finished the conversation with him cordially, and we talked about teams we like. When I came back inside, one of my fellow tier mates told me some guys in the yard were talking about me, because I was doing soccer footwork. He said they were saying, “He thinks he’s too good and that’s why he doesn’t play with everyone.” (I swear this is the devil tempting and trying me, but the devil is a liar). I actually just laughed because when things are going well, and my thoughts are positive, turmoil tries to ruin my peace. The “old me” would have to prove everyone wrong, but the” new me” now realizes that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I can’t care what people say or think. The only one I need to impress through my actions is Jesus Christ. I NOW understand the importance of conducting myself honorably-- no matter what comes my way-- so that those who may speak evil about me, regardless of what they may say or think, can only observe my good works. It doesn’t matter who people say I am , it’s who God says I am. I am who I am by the grace of God.( I Peter 2:11)

Internal Battle

I was having an internal battle the past few months, and I began to struggle every time I would sit down to write my thoughts. See, I have been receiving a lot of mail filled with encouragement and support, but every now and then, I would receive a letter that say, “The blog is inspirational and full of hope, but I think it’s too spiritual or too Godly.” I could not help but to think that maybe I was over-spiritualizing everything. I began to overanalyze my thoughts. But I couldn’t help it, I would see a lesson in everything around me, and that lesson was from God’s Word.
The struggle was should I water down my spiritual thoughts, as I began to think about what the people that were reading my blog thought. But truly, every lesson learned—good morals, good character, how to act when nobody is looking, loving your friend as yourself, moving forward with life and forgetting the past, being patient and waiting, etc…all are found in the word, God’s Word, thus Godly.
Everyone has a spirit, so every lesson learned internally is spiritual. I kept asking myself, if I was writing too spiritual and if I would change the way I portrayed something -- only to have every thought, every idea, and every lesson come back to God. I prayed on this struggle, and I think it came from me wanting to please everyone who reads my thoughts. But then I realized it’s God, His grace, His hope, His purpose, that I want everyone to see, not me. Like I said, “I must decrease, so He can increase.” (Well John the Baptist said it first.) These thoughts floated in my head, then on Sunday, a TV preacher talked about signs and confirmation--signs that come after a promise in your heart. (Mark 16:20) “Ask God for a sign, simple as that.” So I released my faith by asking for God to erase my doubts about how I’m portraying my thoughts, His truths. I had no clue what to expect, which brought me to Male Leadership class on Monday night. The world would call this a coincidence, but I call it confirmation and more proof that God can do exceedingly, abundantly above anything we may ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20) Pastor Vic’s message, my confirmation. His message hit many topics, but mainly that “our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ.” Here is the confirmation, a story from Acts 5: 34-42. Gamaliel’s advice paraphrased:
A Pharisee named Gamaliel, who was held in high regard by all the people, commanded that the people take heed with how they deal with the apostles. Gamaliel tells them of other individuals who rose up claiming to be somebody, like Christ, but perished, their followers dispersed. Gamaliel tells the people, “Keep away from the apostles and let them alone, for if this work is from men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God , you cannot overthrow it—lest you even be found fight against God Himself.” The people agreed with Gamaliel, then beat and released the apostles, but told them not to speak in the name of Jesus Christ. The apostles departed and counted themselves worthy to suffer shame for His name. They did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ. (Acts 5: 34-42)
My confirmation: They did not cease speaking His name, nor will I. No more committing to appeasing the world. It is my hope and prayer that those who view my thoughts realize I’m only where I’m at mentally today because of where I am spiritually with God. It’s His strength when I’m weak; His peace in my chaos.
~~~~ Humbled and thankful for my circumstances~~~~

WHY WASTE PAIN?

The South Jersey Traffic Safety Alliance (SJTSA) interview went well, and it was great to see the crew (Teresa, Wayne, and Mike). The interview brought me back to sentencing day, and that was a hard day to relive. Not because I was sentenced to prison, but my sorrow oozed out when I revisited my emotions towards the Kap family. I will forever feel remorse when I think about causing the death of an innocent man. That doesn’t even seem real writing that or reading those words, “causing the death.” I know what I was responsible for and I know where I’m at today because of it—the latter doesn’t bother me one bit, but the former is the reason people alike need to hear this message. One of the questions was, “What do you have to say to the naysayers and those who believe you shouldn’t have a voice?” A hard question, but my response: “Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I’m not mad at anyone for judging me. I judge myself. I didn’t ask for a voice, but was given one. If I were to sit in prison for the rest of my life, people would still talk. Hate the action of drinking and driving, cause I do too. Condemn the man (me), that’s fine. But don’t let those feelings get in the way of the message. The message can save lives, prevent tragedy. Nay sayers will always nay, and they’re entitled to that, but I can’t understand not giving the content of the message a chance. “Why waste pain? The whole point of making it through life’s challenges is so that we can help others. “(Michellesedas.com) I said something similar in my interview, which I think will be posted soon. (Strangely enough, I have no idea what my site even looks like, but based on the feedback that I am getting, I know that people are being impacted.)
After the interview, the CO, who was supervising, came up to me and was very encouraging. He said,” People definitely need to hear that and you’re doing nothing, but a good thing here, keep it up.” I came back from the interview thankful and encouraged. Life on the tier can be depressing and chaotic, but I’m trying to bring a positive attitude at all at times. What we allow ourselves to think about during our hard times can either make or break us. A lot of the time, we have no control over our circumstances, but we do control how we respond to such situations.
“Attitude governs the way you perceive the world and the way the world perceives you” (Attitude is everything p. 64)
~~~BE STILL AND KNOW….~~~

Not Ceasing

So many thoughts! I have so many ideas in my head, but don’t know where to begin. So let’s see? The mail came in and I received so many encouraging pieces from all over the country: Washington, Vermont, Arizona, Texas, and New Jersey. You can never talk too much about attitude and its effect on life and circumstances. Attitude reflects you and affects everything you do. I know every single inmate experiences different hardships and struggles during confinement. Everyone has different circumstances happen to them, but what happens to you does not have to live within you. Circumstances, like prison, can bring the best out of you—or the worst. Both depend on which attitude you choose. When your attitude improves, so will your circumstances. (Attitude is Everything p. 22)
Male leadership by Pastor Vic, was nothing but spot-on truth tonight. I received the confirmation I was seeking, and I am convinced that I cannot be conformed to this world. I will NOT cease!! South Jersey Traffic Safety Alliance comes tomorrow.

Whats the point?

I began a letter this morning at 8:30 am and I didn't finish it until 11:30 am because a debate/conversation broke out about life and purpose. I found this very funny because I just wrote about purpose and the joy it brings to life yesterday. My fellow inmate believes that it is impossible to know your exact purpose in life, and that God is the only one who knows this. We went back and forth in a friendly manner sharing our belief and ideas. It was a very thought-provoking conversation. I wish I was able to record it, or recap it in its entirety, but three hours is a lot of dialogue. I have to admit, it's difficult to explain your beliefs to someone who believes there is no purpose to this life. Sometimes you can only live by example and hope those around see something different about you. I really like this inmate because of his honesty and debate tactics, but I also hurt for him because I see that he truly believes life has no purpose. He believes that basically, you are born, you live, then you die; nothing before, nothing during, nothing after. I can't even imagine going through an experience like this with a mentality like that. I shared my writing from yesterday with this inmate, and he was shocked to see its content. I think that penetrated him a little, and I'm certainly gonna keep on him. It's inmates like that, who really motivate me to live as Christ-like as possible, in hopes that they would be curious about what makes me tick. This is something that is very, very, difficult in an environment like this. But "Greater is He that is in me, then He that is in the world." Late night tonight, so just gonna read, and then sleep.
~~~PURPOSE DRIVEN~~~

JOHN AND PRINCIPESSA

Today is my niece Alivia's birthday. She turned five years old, and she was just four months old when her father, my oldest brother, passed away. It seems like yesterday that our family was planning his funeral, and now his beautiful daughter is as old as a hand full of fingers. It's hard to understand "why" a good God would take a baby's father at such an early age. And while it is difficult to understand, I try not to question it because it was part of His perfect plan. I can confidently say that we as a family never dwelled on the "why, but rather the "what." What did God want us to learn from this tragedy?
Many may have difficulty with this point of view, and I understand because dealing with something as tragic and sad as death can be a huge road block for believers, as well as non-believers. Why would a Good God allow something like death to take someone so young? To be completely honest, I don't know. I'm just not trying to figure it out.
If I were to ask that question, I would have to ask him "why" all the time. Why would a good God allow that blessing in my life? Why would a Good God allow the birth of my sweet little niece? You see, when things happen that we can't understand, we can't dwell on the "why's." Who are we to decide what is good or not? We can only see through our earthly eyes, and God's purposes in this life are for the heavens.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor your ways, My ways ----says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
We will never understand the "why" because God's gracious thoughts and ways exceed ALL human comprehension. It's not "why" but "what" for me. What I learned through my brother's death, and his daughter's 5th birthday, is that we need to be thankful for all things, good or bad. For in my brother's death, I saw faith tested, tried, and purified. And in my niece's 5th birthday, I see twenty simple reasons why I don't ask God those "why" questions. And they are all in the form of her precious fingers and toes. Thankful for the last five years of her life,and thankful for the next five years of mine.
~~~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCIPESSA~~~

Matt learns a lesson http://tinyurl.com/22t2vh3 while trying to write a blog!

Let my light Shine

It’s 10:05 pm now. I just sat at the table on my tier for one full hour without writing a single thing. I guess you can say I zoned out. But the entire time, I was talking to myself, (in my thoughts), and to God. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write, and when I looked up at the clock, it was exactly one hour later, with nothing written on the paper. Numerous inmates walked by and asked if I was alright, and I would just nod my head expressionless. Usually some inmates would sit at the table, and try to strike up a conversation, but for one full hour, not one person did. Then I realized why. When you look unapproachable, people will not approach. I did not look any busier than any other night, same table, same seat; yet no one said more than a sentence to me. I was deep in thought, but to them I looked “out there,” as one inmate put it. All of my thoughts were positive, my prayers genuine, but my demeanor screamed, “zoned out,” “unapproachable,” “stressed.” I spent one full hour in thought, one full hour with purpose in my mind, but one full hour of being unapproachable.
How many times in the past was I like this? How many times did I miss out on being a light in the darkness? For that full hour, I looked so serious about what I was thinking and praying about, that no one came near me. I intended for this time in thought to be purposeful, but in reality, I spent one full hour shunning people away. Now I realize why I couldn’t write anything for an hour, I shut off the sources around me that have been fueling my thoughts. I believed I was concentrating on something that mattered, and I was, but I missed the point.
The moral of the story is that God gives us each a unique personality. My personality attracts other people’s attention because of having a positive attitude. Shutting off that gift for a full hour, shuts God’s light off in my life for that hour.
We are blessed with gifts and talents, we shouldn’t hide them from the world’s view. There may be a time and a place to look unapproachable, but not in the darkness. I need to show God’s light at all times, deep in thought or not, for what good is the use of a sundial in the shade?
Matthew 5:16: “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”